Ladyfingers: Oh My, Corona

By : Sabrina Ambra
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By a show of recently washed hands, who is fucking exhausted of hearing/reading/saying the word “coronavirus?”

I think the only person who is slightly thankful for this shit show of a pandemic is Ozzy Osbourne, who has relinquished his title of “guy who bit off a bat’s head” and given it to its new, rightful owner: Patient Zero. Speaking of silver linings, with this influx of facemask purchases I’d like to imagine that there is a big percentage of folks finally getting a whiff of their stank-ass breath they had previously been sending directly into our nostrils. Mortgage rates are at lifetime lows, the stock market is plummeting, toilet paper is nowhere to be found. Take it all in, my friends, and then chase that with a dollop of hand sanitizer in your mouth or whatever.

During a time that everyone thinks they’re going to die, I say with a hysterical draw, “what a time to be alive!” The sound and/or sight of a meager sneeze sends simultaneous chills down any spine within a 20-foot radius. As someone with severe allergies to anything carried in a gust of wind, I’m one public allergy attack away from a self-quarantine just to avoid the inevitable awkward explanation I’ll attempt while sneezing inside my shirt (and yes, onto my breasts). If you think that is ridiculous, how about the fact, YES FACT, that 38% of beer-drinking Americans (that answered this particular survey, but still) would not buy a Corona beer at this moment “under any circumstances.” While this is clickbait AF, I have also personally witnessed several people in real life and social media claim something along the lines of not eating Chinese food to avoid COVID-19. Good. Fucking. God. What movie is this and how do I find the pause button?

It goes without saying, but since I have a word count, there is no “pause” in life, AMIRIGHT?! As of late, it feels like we’re doing the opposite of pausing; instead we are full-blown binge watching, or in my case, spending an inordinate amount of time scrolling, watching previews, reading descriptions and adding to the queue that I almost never refer back to. It’s like I have committed to my fear of commitment. I love to plan yet fail to act, and then time whizzes by while giving me the middle finger.

At the beginning of this [strange] year, my dear friend and creative partner Jeff and I were chatting over some whiskey at our favorite watering hole. It was there that I told him, probably for the second or fifth time (re: love to plan, suck at the follow through,) about one of my long standing pipe dreams — create music and actually release it. After an amount of time and shots of whiskey that went unaccounted for, we settled on two things: a plan and a mantra. The plan was to write, record and publish an EP; the mantra: “Stay Focused.”

It is my pleasure, and slightly to my dismay, to inform you all that as of this writing, WE ACTUALLY FUCKING DID IT. Listen here, you gorgeous reader you, I cannot stress enough how great I am at not following through with my plans, dreams, aspirations, and otherwise. So, seeing the words “Corvus, Incorporated” on Spotify and, thus, seeing a plan finally come to fruition was and continues to be a marvelous feeling. A feeling that was made possible by my boy Jeff, and a feeling that I want to have again very soon.

Furthermore, I cannot and will not (#WordCount) fail to mention another “as of this writing” moment and I ask that you ask no questions as I drop this transparency on ya ass. From the moment I started this piece up until I type these words that you’re reading (48-69 hour period,) the United States as a whole went from clickbait beer-drinker surveys to collectively acknowledging this coronavirus ain’t nothing to fuck with. I have no scientific evidence to back this up, but I’m pretty sure Tom Hanks is the cat to T.Hanks. That, in and of itself, is a pause-worthy moment that we will not be granted.

We have no choice but to ride this wave and the next wave and the one after that with balance, patience and awareness. With that, I cordially invite you to join myself and my baby boy Jeff in our continuous attempt at The Mantra:

Whether it be a short term goal, your sanity during this global shit storm, a lingering pipe dream, counting the minimum of 30 seconds it takes for a proper handwash, or otherwise just remember to “STAY FOCUSED.”

And WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS.

I love you.

Sabrina Ambra is a cohost of Real Radio 104.1’s “News Junkie” program and will kick your ass if she needs to.

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