Alas, we find ourselves once again knuckle-deep in the fall season!
For those of us in Florida, our fall season is mostly just lying to ourselves until December. We live in the delusion that our season is just like our pals to the north just because we add Pumpkin Spice to everything we come in contact with. We will see every one of their cool breezes and color-changing leaves and raise them two armfuls of B.O.G.O. gourds from Publix. Suck it, Catskill Mountains, and taste our sweet, pumpkin-flavored self-deception. Mmmmmm.
Along with the fall, of course, is Halloween—also known as “All Hallows’ Eve,” “Hallowe’en,” and “Hallowmas.” Halloween has also been called “Snap Apple Night,” a name in which I have absolutely zero grasp on and absolutely zero interest in searching for an answer. Does it have anything to do with the brand of tea and juice drinks owned by Keurig Dr Pepper and based in Plano, Texas? Is there a group of people who gather on Oct. 31 and spend hours trying to break fruit in half? Or maybe just line up a bunch of them and take pictures? I’m overwhelmed with all of this.
Of course, let’s not forget our pagan readers, who refer to the holiday as “The Feast of the Dead.” What are the dead feasting on anyway? I’m going to go with KitKat singles or bite-size Snickers, and for the love of Spaghetti Monster, NO CANDY APPLES! Never in my 28 years on this earth have I been offered a candy apple on Halloween. Furthermore, if I was offered a candy apple this year (yes, I’m trick-or-treating in this fantasy) I would seriously be concerned for the well-being of those living in that household because obviously the person in charge is forcing everyone to live out some sort of 1950s delusion.
I digress. You know who fucking loves Halloween? The retail industry. Fun fact: Americans spent $6.9 billion on Halloween in 2015. SIX-POINT-NINE-BILLION, MY FELLOW AMERICANS! This is what our Founding Fathers were talking about, people! On an average Hallows’ Eve, we eat the equivalent of a small Chihuahua in candy. Fucking right we do! Halloween is the second most commercial holiday in the United States for a reason—people enjoy changing it up once in a while.
There is no shame in plucking ourselves out of the responsibilities, stress and bullshit that we deal with every day to spend less than 24 hours to play dress-up, blackout with friends and/or strangers (Because said strangers happened to dress up as a professional wrestler from the ‘90s just like you did and now you’ve got something to talk about). It’s fun. I dig it. Sure, there are better ways to spend your money, but who the fuck is thinking about financial advice when you’re dressed like a sexy Peppa Pig? Is this the part that I should digress again? Probably.
Listen, the year between this Halloween and last Halloween has been F-U-C-K-E-D, to say the least. I think we can all agree on the presence of the fuckery, one way or another. On more than one occasion there were these real life moments that could easily be plotted out and made into a box office horror hit. You know, like a Nightmare On Pennsylvania Ave. vibe with a hint of American-Septuagenarian Psycho. Starring quite the cast of villains; like FrankenWein, Count Vin Spacey, and of course, Donnibal Lecturd—who kicked-off his reign of terror by getting caught telling a gremlin to grab a witch by the broom, then somehow became the most notorious of them all. Grab your popcorn, y’all, this film is going to be LIT AF (or in laywoman’s terms, “This film is going to be a wonderful viewing experience for all!”).
I’m sure by now I have successfully brought you to a new level of excitement for the end of October. You’ve probably rushed through this article so you can go apply for a new credit card that will allow you to purchase incredibly overpriced pet costumes, those fake spider webs that you’ll leave on your bushes for the rest of the year and enough candy to almost guarantee diabetes. Be sure to remember that you can earn points the further you travel down the pits of debt! However, get it done early because I highly encourage everyone to really try and enjoy themselves. I’m sure I’m not the only one who finds themselves emotionally and mentally exhausted more often than ever before. It’s about damn time we press “pause” and have some fun. It’s our right, damnit! We paid billions of dollars for it, remember?
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