For the past several years I’ve been asking God for a husband. Instead she gave me a puppy.
Now far be it from me to question God’s will. Although, I do have to wonder about the benefit analysis she might have gone through in making this decision. I adore my new 4 month old chiweenie girl named “Joy,” but I thought I’d do my own comparative analysis to see if a puppy or a husband was a better choice. I thought I’d look at six categories to see which won out on each. I’ll be honest with you, as I begin this column I have no idea who will come out on top in the end. Let’s see:
Food – The puppy isn’t finicky about food. In fact, she pretty much eats whatever I put in front of her, gobbles is actually a better word. She has no table manners whatsoever, but as opposed to the husband who might have some weird food inclinations, Joy doesn’t really care whether its beef, chicken or fish as long as something has materialized in her bowl. I give this category to the puppy.
Running total: Puppy: 1 Husband; 0
Sex – Despite what some members of Westboro Baptist Church seem to think, just because I like sex with men doesn’t mean I like sex with animals (ok, Bears, Otters and Silver Foxes don’t count). Minus the husband there’s always Adam for Adam or internet porn so the puppy loses this category.
Running total; Puppy: 1 Husband: 1
Companionship –This one’s tougher. Unless I hit the husband lottery I doubt any man is going to wag his rear end around at me every time I walk in the door like the puppy does. Joy doesn’t care what TV show we watch, but then again she can’t have a conversation with me about the real meaning of the end of the movie Prometheus. Her love is absolutely unconditional, even when I’m yelling “no no no” at her (this happens a lot with a puppy). Try yelling “no no no” at a husband and see what happens. On an emotional level I think the puppy has an advantage here, but the lack of intellectual dialog sways it toward the husband. I may be copping out on this one, but I give it a tie.
Running Total: Puppy 2 Husband: 2
Finances: The husband wins hands down here. With shots, monthly worm and flea control, getting nails trimmed regularly, toys, leashes, collars, and food, lots and lots of food, the puppy is a virtual well you throw money into. If memory serves me right a husband isn’t exactly a free ride either, but usually he brings something to the table in terms of income. Sorry Joy, you lose here.
Running total: Puppy: 2 Husband: 3
Relationships with family and friends: Another tricky one. Joy is wildly crazy about other people. She showers praise and affection on you from the moment you meet her. I also don’t have to worry that family and friends are making some sort of ongoing judgment about whether Joy is “right” for me or not. I don’t have to worry that Joy is going to say something to piss off a family member or one of our friends. I also don’t have to worry about in- laws and problematic members of his family (or strange friends he may have brought to the relationship either). Since Joy’s unconditional love seems to extend to others as well as me, I think I have to give this one to her.
Running total: Puppy: 3 Husband: 3
Housekeeping and Neatness: Unless he is a complete slob the husband is taking this category. Joy seems to regularly find ways of making the biggest mess possible. I doubt the husband is going to tip over trash cans and strew their contents all over the house and garden. It would surprise me if he grabbed the toilet paper roll and ran through the house with it. I can at least ask that the husband pick up after himself. Joy doesn’t seem to even grasp that concept. This one goes to the husband.
Running total: Puppy; 3 Husband: 4
Ok God: I get it that it was close, but the husband still wins here. Thank you for the blessing of this wonderful beautiful puppy, but my request for a husband still stands. Any chance I can have them both?
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