The summer of single is officially over. Well, according to the calendar of the Gods we technically still have a while before summer is officially over. But after Labor Day weekend, our minds shift to pumpkin spice lattes and figuring out how much weight we can lose to get into a slutty Halloween costume. That’s directly followed by figuring out how much weight is socially acceptable to gain during the Thanksgiving season. I digress.
The summer of single is officially over. For most of 2017 I have written in Watermark about my breakup, my foils and fumbles of dating and my use of gay dating apps. You know, those apps that we single people delete and then re-download every other week. I do it as well; you are not alone.
I decided at the end of spring I wanted to go into the summer single. I didn’t want to rush into a relationship. With most things in life, you try a thing a few times. If you aren’t successful you should try to switch it up and do something different. Why was I not trying that with dating? I’ve been using the same formula since discovering Gay.com in college: Meet a guy online. Chat for a few days. Exchange numbers. Text for a few days. Meet for a date. Have a wonderful date. Maybe meet one more time. Never hear from them again. That was my formula.
It was time to switch it up.
What if I just went on a few dates, but didn’t focus on dating this summer? What if I actually did that thing Oprah always talks about: “Live my best life?” But then I thought, what exactly does that mean? After some soul searching, I figured out that I was spending way too much time looking for a guy on the apps and going out on dates I knew weren’t going anywhere. What if I remained single and did things for me? Well, here’s what I learned about myself and dating in the summer I remained single.
First lesson: I can do big boy things on my own. For as long as I can remember, I imagined at 30 years old I would be hosting my radio morning show, have a partner, have a house and maybe some kids. Well, 30 came and went. Outside of my radio show I hadn’t accomplished anything else. I thought I needed someone to finish out this dream. Towards the end of spring I told myself that I could start to tackle some lifelong dreams. If I could forge ahead in my radio career, why couldn’t I buy a house by myself? Let me tell you something: that was one of hardest yet easiest decisions I’ve ever made. After going through the process of running from meeting to meeting, getting money together and finding every financial document, I was able to sign and buy a new house. I did it, by myself and without a boyfriend or husband’s help.
Second lesson: Trust your gut. Here’s the thing – and I’ll be honest with you – I have a very hard time saying no to someone who shows any type of romantic attention to me. I’ve gotten into some pretty awkward situations because I was blinded by the cute guy who said I had a nice smile. Next thing you know I’m letting them borrow my car for days on end. That’s not a specific example, but you get the idea. Knowing that I wasn’t going to enter into a relationship this summer made dates so much easier. There was no pressure. I wasn’t interviewing someone to fulfill the role of soul mate. I was simply enjoying getting to know another human over some cheese sticks. I’ve actually made a couple of friends from these dates. It also allowed me to understand the difference between truly feeling emotionally connected to someone and just lusting after good looks.
Third lesson: I reconnected with friends. This sounds simple, but I had no clue how much time I was spending with my head in my phone. Usually on a Friday or Saturday night, when my friends and I would be out and about, the goal of the evening was to find someone to be with by the time last call happened. Now, freed from the pressure of forcing love to happen, the goal of the evening was to have fun. That makes an incredible difference.
Final lesson: I actually know what I want and I know how to trust my gut. With this new clarity, I can see how a lot of my past relationships were doomed from the beginning. I had no clue what I was looking for. I now understand that you have to have a unique understanding of what sort of love you want to receive and what sort of love you are capable of giving. I don’t have everything figured it out, but I have more of an understanding. Moving forward I can actually have conversations with guys with a new emotional maturity I was lacking. So I dare you, give yourself a time frame of no relationships. Set a goal for yourself to accomplish and see where it takes you. You’ll be surprised how much you learn. Tweet me and let me know.
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