Ladyfingers: Write high, edit sober

I’ve gotten into the habit of watching the news every weekday morning. I sit in a very un-ladylike position on the couch while I sip on shitty coffee and watch the daily disasters across the nation.

“Some doctors claim that a half-packet of Splenda may be rotting your insides at this very moment. How to prevent your impending death… Tonight at 6.”

Death; destruction; Trump; traffic; outrage; pregnant giraffe; The Holocaust Center; the pregnant giraffe. Rinse. Repeat. It would be my Splenda that kills me. Not cardiac arrest or saving someone’s life or death by electrocution via my plug-in “back massager.” Nope. Splenda.

It’s all so fucked, but you know what? Today is a special day.

Nearly 100 million Americans know exactly why this day is special (I am basing that number off of the folks who actually decided to participate in the survey I referred to for that information – so probably more). Imagine that every single one of you folks (yes, you included) is reading this at the exact same time, and you are all higher than April the Giraffe’s vajayjay. Whoa. Did you hear that? The sound of millions of people doing a simultaneous nose-exhale after reading “vajayjay.” I say “nose-exhale” because you and I both know that’s what we really do when we read something funny on the Internet. NE is the new LOL.

If you can’t already tell, I’m in Colorado and I am paying homage to the one thing that has helped me keep my sanity during these trying-ass times. I do enjoy a jazz cigarette every now and then. There, I said it. But before you slam down the judgment hammer, let me say this: I respect that it may not be your cup of tea. And I don’t see why we can’t all just be cool with each other’s choices in tea. Unless it’s heroin tea. That stuff is really not good for you. If you’re still scoffing at me, then I’m a little sad, because I thought we had a bit of a budding friendship thing going on. I’m a smart lady, I work hard, I feed my cat every day, and yes, I’m an advocate for the wackey tobackey. Here are a few reasons why…

One of the greatests gifts life can give you is sharing a deep, insuppressible, cannot-breathe-type laughter session with another human being. You don’t necessarily need the Devil’s Cabbage for that experience, but it certainly makes it more obtainable. It’s almost like the feeling you get after incredible, non-regrettable sex. It’s good. real good.

Alone time is good for you too, sometimes even necessary. WIth that time alone, remember that it’s important to be able to laugh at yourself once in a while, to find the humor in the fickle beast we call “life.” I would go as far as to say that the universe has purposefully set up the awkward situations I constantly find myself in – it’s part of my “plan,” I’m sure of it. I assume it’s because I’m a weird person. It’s an approachable and often entertaining kind of weird, but weird nonetheless. So, when you put that all together and add in a conversation with Sampson, the results are what many have said is pure brilliance. The following are excerpts from an imaginary book called My D.A.R.E. Officer Never Mentioned How Fun This Was…

“I just spent 20 minutes trying to help what I thought was a lost dog.” (March 2017)

“Everytime someone calls me a teenage witch, I thank the TV gods for not making a show called, Scabby Sabby first.” (November 2014)

“I wish I could be a fly on the wall for the parties Jesus and his friends got blacked out at since these seem to be missing from the Bible and we all know it happened.” (April 2013)

“How did people who have a hunchback react when they heard ‘My Humps’ by the Black Eyed Peas for the first time?” (September 2015)

I think we can all agree the world, as we know it, is pretty cray-cray right now. Every which way you look, it seems like there is another funnel-shaped shitstorm about to touch land. During times like these, where we feel as if there is no grasp on what will happen next, why not spend a day getting high? You don’t even need the lean green machine: Get your giggle on with a friend, say “What’s up?” to Mother Nature, go to a karaoke bar and sing a Beatles song. Whatever which way you decide to get elevated, find your muse and ENJOY IT!

I’ll leave you with this, my friends. There’s no harm in having a good time; as a matter of fact I would go as far to say that it is doctor-recommended. (Please note that I’m the doctor and my medical experience is solely based on a decade of watching Grey’s Anatomy.) Life throws lemons, we’ve heard the phrase. Just remember when you’ve made enough lemonade, you can learn how to juggle or put them under your shirt and pretend they’re boobs. You see? It’s easy to have fun – and you don’t have to go all the way to Colorado to do so.