Decisions rarely come easy. Sit in the car with my roommate and I while we try to figure out lunch on the weekend, or hang out on our couch while we sift through every movie, unable to decide which one to watch.
The bigger the decision, the more agonizing it is for me. When I was 15 years old, I struggled with being gay. I used to look in the mirror every night before bed lecturing myself on how being gay was a sin, telling myself I would wake up in the morning and be normal. Every morning I would wake with disappointment. Nothing had changed. This went on for at least a year until I decided to accept who I am. As I decided to gradually let others in, life started to get better for me.
It was just over a year ago that I made another life changing decision: the decision to admit I am an alcoholic.
It wasn’t easy. In fact, 18 months ago I was sure that I was not an alcoholic. Like most people, I had my biases of what an alcoholic looked like and I did not fit the bill. Alcoholics couldn’t hold a job, and I had been with the same company for over a decade. Alcoholics were homeless. I had a home with my roommate of over fifteen years. Alcoholics hid bottles of liquor and woke up in the morning drinking. That wasn’t me either.
I knew I drank a lot, but that seemed normal to me. Alcohol was around everywhere, whether at a work event or hanging out with friends. Even if I wanted to stop I wouldn’t know how. I was too concerned about losing my friends and reputation.
On Memorial Day 2015 I had a little help reevaluating my life. I was sitting at my usual late night bar when I got a text from my roommate warning me not to drive home. The cops were out in force for the holiday. She knew I had been drinking and had a headlight out and that would make me an easy target for getting pulled over. She was always the rational one.
I stupidly decided to drive home anyway and, as luck would have it, my second headlight went out. Thirty minutes later I was heading to DUI booking. I spent over five painful hours in handcuffs, full of humiliation and disappointment. Why didn’t I just take Uber? How long would it be before someone found out and spread it all over Facebook? How was this going to get paid for? What would this do to my reputation? These were the questions that plagued my head throughout the night.
I was in a pretty low place at that time, but not low enough. I went right back out drinking, this time taking Uber because I had no choice. The DMV had restricted my driving privileges and sent me on a program of classes and counseling sessions. Still not thinking I had any issues, I would go to DUI class then Uber to the bar. I would schedule my counseling sessions 24 hours after my favorite nights to be out drinking so I wouldn’t have to skip a beat. I found myself not being honest with others about the amount of alcohol I would drink since it wasn’t unusual for me to go out for happy hour and not get home until the next morning, several times a week.
After seeing a college friend of mine post about her alcohol battle, I made a decision that I would honor the program set forth and not drink until all requirements related to my arrest were completed.
With this decision I began to see that there were many types of alcoholics and that the way I had been living my life was not normal. I didn’t have to drink all the time, but when I started I couldn’t stop. It took a long time for me to be able to say that without feeling shame or worry about being humiliated. I am an alcoholic.
My decision to share this story wasn’t easy either. My purpose is to put this out in the universe in case it proves useful to someone reading it, as my college friend did for me. If you feel you may have a drinking problem, there are many avenues to seek help. If you are afraid, there are many people willing to help. Save yourself the $7,500 lesson I needed and just reach out.
It’s hard. For years my social skills and self-confidence came in a twelve ounce glass. Now that I don’t have drinking I have to learn new ways to gain confidence and step outside my comfort zone while navigating the stigma of alcoholism. It’s almost like relearning how to live, but it’s worth it.
I’ve been sober over 15 months now and I am a different person. My head is clear and I am focused to make my company the best it can be and offer my community the best I can be. I’ve made many mistakes in my days, but deciding to own up to them and make a better life is proving to be the most rewarding decision I’ve ever made. With this publication I will be 42, single and sober. I feel like my life is just beginning.
You must be logged in to post a comment.