As the 2016 Election arrives (aka Armageddon), it’s more than just the United States of America that is bracing for our election results. It’s been a busy year of European travel for me—a year of many firsts with stops in London, Paris, Rome, Venice and Barcelona among the highlights—and of course I met many curious locals in each destination. The question on everyone’s lips is, “Is Donald Trump really running for President?” This is usually followed by a gasp or a chuckle. Sadly, there’s no good answer to this question.
It’s been the topic of conversation more than just about any other subject – even in London, where I was the morning the news of the Brexit vote rocked the European Union. Many there were more concerned with the potential of Trump running for president than the U.K. leaving the E.U.! Unfortunately, according to early polls and depending on your news source, at least half of America (or ‘Murica, if you will) isn’t as concerned. Though Trump has alienated women (already at least half of the population) and many minority populations, including LGBTs, he still has plenty of voters in his camp. (And I know the opponents will argue the same against that Nasty Woman. I can hear you over the ice pick I’m repeatedly jamming in my ears.)
So, I thought I would share some of the realistic options for fleeing the country based on who emerges victorious. Unfortunately, the prospects are slim for places to escape to if either candidate gets elected, but here are your best options:
CANADA (TRUMP)
It may be a joke, but I think our neighbors up north are a little worried that there’s some truth to hordes of Americans rushing the Canadian border depending on the outcome of the presidential election this year. It may get a little cold up there, but what can we say? Between Trudeau, poutine and the fact that it will be Trump-free (or Hillary-free, haters) might make it the most accessible place to go. But unless you’ve got in-demand job skills and are prepared to potentially pay two sets of taxes, it’s probably not gonna happen for you.
MEXICO (CLINTON)
If you have a problem with the cold, Mexico might be a bit better prospect. With the most number of American expats taking up residence here, you can’t put a price on warmer weather and a cheaper cost of living. There’s just that little problem of a language barrier since just about anywhere in Mexico will require you to know some Espanol. But hey, I wouldn’t complain; I don’t think it would be hard to adjust to a little more tequila, tortillas and siestas in life. Just make sure if you choose to move here if Trump wins that you move before that wall goes up – because no doubt it will serve to keep things out on both sides.
CHINA (TRUMP)
It’s the country that’s taking all the jobs (Chinese steel, anyone?) and basically taking over the world anyways – with the largest number of tourists around the globe at any given time, actually – simply given to size of the population. So why not get a jump start and move to China? I hear the language is quite tough to learn but you’ll be steps ahead of the rest of us in the end times. Please just don’t say, ‘I told you so.’
RUSSIA (TRUMP)
Russia will probably be a much friendlier place for Americans to visit if Trump is elected to office (which may not make any sense for Hillary supporters trying to escape, it’s an option nonetheless). Though I must add if you’re of the LGBTQ persuasion (likely everyone reading this right now), I cannot recommend a visit here since it’s illegal to be gay. Oh, and have you seen Kate McKinnon’s woman from a small village in Russia? Olya Palotsky would say, “In America you say ‘Go to hell,’; in Russia we say, ‘Stay put.’” Yep. Maybe skip this one.
BRITAIN (CLINTON)
Europe is the antithesis of American values in so many ways (think thinner, prettier and more efficient older sister), so it seems like a logical place to want to go. But you better have job prospects or a European lover waiting to marry you. And we did already mention that Britain doesn’t like people from other places. Well, looks like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. (Except for Trump. That apple fell waaay off the tree. WTF?)
MARS (TRUMP OR CLINTON…BUT MOSTLY TRUMP)
Though it’s not until 2024, the planned one-way mission to Mars just might really be happening. The 100 potential seats are filled as of now, but who knows, it might become a regular thing. We hope it’s nothing like The Martian, but at least the planet where Trump is one of the most powerful men wouldn’t be more than just a little blue speck in the distance.
So there you have it, folks. Pack your bags and make your plans! Or at the very least, if you dislike all your options, get out and VOTE.
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