Ally Agenda: Meeting in the ladies room

Allow me to introduce myself: I am a straight, cisgender woman. I usually use the ladies’ room. I am who the evangelicals, fundamentalists and conservatives claim they hope to protect when they pass laws insisting that transgender people use restrooms that align with their sex at birth, regardless of how they look, feel, present or live now.

I didn’t ask for all of this concern, but it has been bestowed upon me, and since no one asked me how I feel about it, I thought I’d use this space to tell you.

Let’s start by taking the issue utterly, completely seriously. How would I feel if a man walked into the ladies’ room? What would I do?

I would say, “Excuse me, sir, but you have the wrong restroom.”

And most of the time, the man would look embarrassed or confused or say “Oops!” and turn around and walk out. This has never happened to me, but I have, in fact, been on the other side, spacing out and walking into the men’s room. I never even got the point of someone saying something to me – I saw male backs at urinals, turned on my heel and skedaddled out.

Let’s take things a step further, and pretend this is a transgender person who identifies as female and wants to use the ladies’ room, and I’ve made a misjudgment in my assumption of the person’s gender. Or let’s go ahead and pretend this is a man trying to pull one over on us all and wants to use the ladies room for whatever reason. Single-toilet ladies’ rooms lock, and all the rest have stalls, so this is a non-issue. The man would enter a stall, use the facilities, and leave. I’d shrug and wash my hands and move on with my life.

Now, let’s really dive deep, and visit the situation bathroom laws purport to protect against: a predator. I’ve told the man he’s in the wrong restroom, but he’s there with the intent to assault me and he keeps coming toward me. If I had time, I’d run into a stall, lock myself in, and call for help. If I didn’t, I’d scream for help and fight.

And here’s the thing: No measure of gender-policing laws will protect me against a determined predator.

Assault is illegal. It’s always been illegal. There are also a number of laws protecting against harassment, lewd and lascivious behavior, stalking and a whole host of other nasties that could happen when a predator corners a victim in ANY secluded space.

In response to Target’s recent statement that their restrooms would be transgender-inclusive, Anita Staver, president of the hate group Liberty Counsel, tweeted that she’s taking her Glock .45 caliber gun into the ladies’ room as her “bodyguard.” We reached out to Liberty Counsel and received a response from her husband, Mat. He said:

“Women are not concerned about transsexuals committing violence. They are concerned about men using ‘gender identity’ as an excuse to stalk and sexually assault them.”

I am a woman, and I am not concerned about either of those things. But Mat’s clear message is that these laws aren’t about keeping transgender people out. They’re about keeping predators out, and keeping women safe.

Mat is a liar.

He knows perfectly well, based on the points I made above, that the bathroom laws will do nothing to prevent assault. If Mat really wanted to prevent assault, he would do any or all of the following:

1. Invest in anti-assault education for men, programs teaching men that sexual violence is never acceptable.
2. Empower men who don’t assault women to stand up to other men who are acting inappropriately toward women.
3. Fight for gender equality. That means from health care to salaries, rip open, expose and denounce the systems that make it acceptable for women to be paid less, assaulted and told they are not to be trusted to handle their own healthcare decisions. Working to create a culture that respects and validates women as equals would go much, much further to prevent assault than any level of gender-based bathroom policing.
4. Empower and support transgender people. The more being transgender is normalized, the less fear people will have about the whole thing.
5. Back off on these bathroom laws. Seriously, back off. They’re frequently described by opponents as “solutions looking for a problem,” but it’s worse than that – they’ve created a problem. The laws didn’t somehow invent transgender people. Transgender people have been living, shopping and yes, using public restrooms, for years with nary an incident. But now we have conservative men carrying video cameras into the women’s room to prove a point, which is disturbing enough. However, there are also predators out there. By drawing this line in the sand, these idiot lawmakers have indeed planted a seed in their minds, a seed they hope will grow into a loophole that lets them get away with their perversions. Stop planting the seeds. Just let the issue go.

As a certified, card-carrying woman, I am on record: The list above is what would make me feel safer.

Transgender people using a restroom? That doesn’t scare me, and that has never scared me.

However, Anita Staver, with a Glock, lurking in my neighborhood Target restroom?

Terrifying.