[two-star-rating]Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill, Jesse Eisenberg, Amy Adams, Gal Gadot, Diane Lane, Jeremy Irons, Laurence Fishburn, Holly Hunter, Scoot McNairy[/two-star-rating]
Where’s the fun, Batman? Where’s the joy, Superman?
The “V” in the title could refer to the number five, because there are exactly five good things about this completely humorless, dingy, superhero flick. I’ll try to be generous and mention all of them. The “V” could also be a down arrow, because the movie slowly sinks in its nearly two and half hours of pessimistic, over-bloated violence and absurdity.
The first good thing is that Batman V Superman is critic proof. So many people are DC Comic fans that this film will make bajillions, despite it not being very good at all. Of course, with my review, I feel like I’m peeing on several fan’s Saturday morning cartoon dreams, they’re so looking forward to the Justice League beginning.
The second positive aspect is that at least this flick uses the senseless destruction and death at the end of Man of Steel to motivate this dreary plot. One gets the sense that director Zack Snyder heard the fans’ cries of foul and decided to make this one lonely amend.
As Metropolis lays in ruins, Batman (Affleck) sees the annihilation Superman’s battles bring to the world. With equal parts indignity and fear, he steps out of semi-retirement to stop the alien (Cavill). A senator (Hunter) and a crippled man (McNairy) also want to end Superman’s unlimited power.
Crazed billionaire Lex Luthor (a horribly hammy Eisenberg) wants to terminate both Batman and Superman, at the same time. He comes up with a nearly impossible plan – replete with a ridiculous monster – that actually, miraculously, works. I’m never sure exactly why Luthor goes to the trouble, except maybe he doesn’t want interference with his pointless grab for power. He’s already rich.
The third good moment is that there is one tiny commonality that Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne share. When that finally gets mentioned an hour and a half in, the film starts actually to have a plot. For the first hour, there’s no drive; nothing happens but set ups and futile dream sequences (not kidding). When Batman and Superman finally, finally, meet, it’s actually sort of a letdown. If Superman is really a sweet guy, why do he and Batman pummel each other for unproductive eons, destroying buildings and endangering the lives they supposedly want to protect?!? Why doesn’t Superman just come out immediately and ask for the Dark Knight’s help?
Oh, that’s right, because Snyder likes glossy, aimless violence and arresting visuals over sensible, emotional, and logical narrative.
Remember when superhero films were actually entertaining (back with Guardians of the Galaxy)? This film is grim and gritty; it feels like an ordeal, not something I would ever want to sit through twice. Come watch the world get destroyed again! …joy…
I’m not spoiling things – the trailers give it away – to say that Wonder Woman (Gadot) shows up. Ah, the fourth and most gleeful thing in this glum film is that her late, brief moments have glimpses of actual amusement in them!
[rating-key]
I promised to mention five things. For a few short scenes, both Affleck and Cavill are shirtless. Sadly, not together. Yes, I’m stretching here; you can Google to find better, less grimy images of either of them. By the way, apparently Bruce Wayne is that lunkhead in the gym who can’t put down his weights gently; he drops all of them with a thuggish clunk.
This whole ugly, pugilistic film drops with a thuggish clunk. Blame Snyder again. He knows nothing of his characters, or of artful narrative. He’s the real villain here.
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