Screened Out – Krampus

[two-star-rating]Adam Scott, Toni Collette, David Koechner, Allison Tolman, Conchata Ferrell, Emjay Anthony, Krista Stadler[/two-star-rating]

There are probably hundreds of reasons for landing on Santa’s naughty list. One is not living up to potential – that note many of us got on our grade school report cards. This darkly comic horror flick also gets that comment.

The legend of Krampus is a little-known Slavian mythology that faded in the early 1900s. In that story, terrible kids don’t just get coal in their stockings at Christmas; they get dragged to Hell. Krampus – Google him, really, it’s worth it – is this super creepy black demon who punishes the brats. He beats them with sticks, he stuffs them into his basket, and he takes them to the underworld. In Hades, these rotten children are slaves for a year, or they’re burnt in eternal flames, or they just get eaten by long-tongued Krampus. Their fate depends on which version of the myth you like best.

An early 20th-century postcard shows why Krampus was so terrifying for kids.
An early 20th-century postcard shows why Krampus was so terrifying for kids.

This is the way to teach kids to be good!

It’s an oddity of modernism – likely because of the Internet – that people are re-embracing Krampus. In fact, Orlando and other cities recently have Krampus-centered events, mostly organized tongue-in-cheek.

In this confusing and tame movie, a bunch of insipid, slightly dislikeable characters have to spend the holidays together because…well, they’re family. When the season goes from bad to worse, one of the kids wishes something awful. Krampus comes to deliver that hateful wish – utilizing Christmas-themed terrors to claim family members one by one.

Of course, there’s going to be a moral. It’s a pretty dull one, given that the monster has the potential for being so fascinating.

It’s not that Krampus doesn’t have some neat art direction. One feels that the beginning is edging into Tim Burton territory. There’s a holiday feel that borders on Edward Scissorhands before it gets boring and muddled.

Many cities have rediscovered Krampus and plan events; Orlando's first such event takes place at Hammered Lamb on Dec. 5 at 8PM.
Many cities have rediscovered Krampus and plan events; Orlando’s first such event takes place at Hammered Lamb on Dec. 5 at 8PM.

The creatures Krampus brings with him are cool to look at, but they make little to no sense. It’s as if the writers just sat down and riffed on what sort of monsters they could make out of Christmas legends, toys, and ornaments.

Even with great comic actors like Toni Collette, Conchata Ferrell, and David Koechner, it’s difficult to care for these characters. With a cast so gifted in humor, one would expect more dark joy from Krampus – like Arachnophobia, Slither, or even Gremlins. There are almost no laughs whatsoever, save for one or two quiet political digs. In fact, it’s slightly more interesting to know what Krampus is going to do to these uninteresting, unfunny humans once he gets his creepy long nails into their flesh.

The horror is soft-pedaled; the film has a PG-13 rating, but it almost could’ve gotten PG.

[rating-key]

What would’ve been cool? If this film really was about terrible kids and the thoughtless parents who raise them. The parents could’ve insisted on overly commercial, crass Christmases that transformed their progeny into living bait for Krampus. All of the people in this flick needed to be more interesting, with flaws that actually fed into the plot. If, by the end, Krampus’s world made a little sense to us – horrifying, unsettling sense – that would’ve been even better.

This supposed comic horror flick is just blah. It’s not quite a lump of coal in our stockings; it’s more like a clump of wet, bland fruitcake soaked in disappointment and starting to mold.

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