Uprisings!: Fox Business Network will be hosting the worst Republican dinner party ever tonight. We’ll be liveblogging at 9 p.m.

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And here we thought we were going to go sweetly into that warm bubble bath as the evening met its slumber. Nope. Instead, we’ll be doing what we do best while drinking in our underpants with dogs akimbo: liveblogging our thoughts on the currents and currency of the Republican presidential runaway train as it makes its next wobbly stop on the TEEVEE at 9 p.m.

One and all should gather around their television tubes and bend their antennae in the direction of something onerous called the Fox Business Network. OR, you can pull out your phone, your iPad, your Kindle, your hair and just watch as we ruminate on how low politics can go. Either way, it will be fun.

There are numerous drinking games, of course, because that’s what we’ve turned into. Our friend Peter Scorsch at saintpetersblog.com has been getting a chub about them all day. However, we have to work early in the morning, and our drinking will likely be supplemented with a lot of “How bloody dare you?” and “What would your mother think?” exhortations. Still, you don’t want to miss it. (We didn’t liveblog Friday’s Democratic “forum” because it was a “forum” and we were busy, but it was pretty spectacular and civil; Rachel Maddow is our spirit animal).

Enough ranting for now. We’ll see you for the BIG GAME tonight. Over/under on Jeb and Marco making out? 0/0.

8:48 p.m.: TOOK A NAP! I have no idea what happened in Junior Varsity yet. Sometimes it’s better when you don’t know. Of course, that’s impossible. Bobby Jindal went batshit and Chris Christie’s “side fender” has been dented according to FOX guy.

8:51 p.m. Reince Preeeeeeeebus just called Paul Ryan America’s “favorite son.” Lou Dobbs has gone for a mildly orange tint of mousy.

8:58 p.m.: Yeah, the Star Spangled Banner isn’t the easiest song to sing, maybe.

9:01 p.m.: “For the first time, the end of the road can be seen on the horizon.” That’s something that somebody at FBN wrote. Then I died. Then Neil Cavuto showed up. Then I died again.

9:05 p.m.: Cavuto is going for the minimum-wage jugular as Fight for 15 rallies are happening outside. Who should we ask about this? Oh, billionaire Donald Trump, of course. He has such a broad world view. He would not raise the minimum wage.

9:07 p.m.: Ben Carson’s 3-year-old granddaughter is here. She is the answer to the minimum wage/black-community problem. Every time you raise wages, the economy fails. THIS IS NOT TRUE. Carson has ascended the ladder of opportunity. He is not dependent. Carson would not raise the minimum wage “specifically because he’s interested that people are able to enter the job market,” also, bound feet.

9:10 p.m.: Marco Rubio says that America is, wait, poor? A disaster? “If you raise the minimum wage, you’re going to make people more expensive than a machine.” Is this Blade Runner? Welders make more money than philosophers! Oh, fuck off.

9:12 p.m.: John Kasich is the only “active executive” on the dais. Oh, lord.

9:15 p.m.: Kasich can make money magically appear for Medicaid in Ohio. Related: he steps on toes.

9:16 p.m.: Wait, who let Ted Cruz to the big boys’ table? The Texas senator is asking more questions than I am. How do we fix things? We “look at the history of America.” FLAT TAX! DRINK!

9:18 p.m.: Jeb Bush throws first tantrum. News at 11. “I ONLY GOT FIVE MINUTES LAST TIME!” WAHHHHHH.

9:19 p.m.: Bush says we should repeal EVERY BIT OF REGULATION THAT OBAMA MADE HAPPEN! WE SHOULD START OVER. WE SHOULD CHURN BUTTER. WE SHOULD BE FERAL.

9:20 p.m.: Carly Fiorina is up to bat, 20 minutes in. She’s thinking about a woman she met the other day who is “afraid for her children’s future.” IT’S NEVER BEEN THAT WAY BEFORE, RIGHT? Time to send Little House on the Prairie to Carly Fiorina.

9:22: We should reform our tax code to three pages (preschool).

9:23 p.m.: Income inequality is caused by Democrats, says Rand Paul. Oh, and the Federal Reserve. Ladies and gentlemen, these are opposite times.

9:28 p.m.: No big news so far. One-quarter of the way in and it’s time to talk ABOUT THE MEDIA!

9:29 p.m.: Ben Carson says he’s been “lied about,” unlike the Democrats who never get lied about. So, here’s Carson pulling a Benghazi and messaging and, “where I came from, that’s called a lie,” also, “People who know me, know that I’m an honest person.” NOBODY KNOWS YOU!

9:32 p.m.: “If you think walls don’t work, all you have to do is ask Israel!” Whoa, Trump. Somebody stuck a quarter in his ear.

9:34 p.m.: DONALD TRUMP JUST WENT SUPER CRAZY. HE LIKES IKE. HE ALSO LIKES GENOCIDE.

9:36 p.m.: Donald Trump “doesn’t have to hear” from Kasich. Bush just made fun of Trump for not letting Bush speak. Bush is talking up immigration! “They’re doing high-fives in the Clinton campaign when they hear this,” he says of the xenophobia that is Trump’s w(h)ig.

9:38 p.m.: “With factories run by robots,” the bald guy asks Rubio, underhanding a softball. Rubio references, as if by code, “Candy Crush.”

9:40 p.m.: Bald guy is asking Ted Cruz about grannies being pushed off cliffs. Oh, entitlements. “The Democrats are laughing, because if the Republicans join the Democrats in the party of amnesty, we will lose.”

9:41 p.m.: Every time a Republican faults the media, its printer’s toner gets its replacement.

9:43 p.m.: Fiorina – Obamacare is “crony capitalism at its worst.” Oh, dear.

9:45 p.m.: THREE PAGE TAX CODE FIORINA. GOD, SHE’S EASY.

9:48 p.m.: Everything about FOX is paranoia, right? Even the commercials. I feel like I’m in a different country.

9:49 p.m.: THERE IS A BENGHAZI MOVIE! THERE IS A BENGHAZI MOVIE! OMGOMGOMG.

9:53 p.m.: Can’t even talk about what just happened to that Alprazolam bottle labeled Ben Carson. Some of his best memories are of being poor. Oh, now Rand Paul just wants to cut all the taxes, including payroll taxes.

9:56 p.m.: “There are more words in the IRS code than there are in the Bible,” Ted Cruz says. Once again: no more words.

9:57 p.m.: Basically, you won’t get your big tax refund check, but you’ll make about $20 more to spend on drinking the pain away. RIGHT UP FRONT.

9:59 p.m.: Jeb Bush and a soldier testimonial. $2,300 would make everything better. Hillary will destroy you. This speech has been brought to you by … an ass.

10:03 p.m.: It just got all Dynasty up in here between Rubio and Rand on the tax plan ish. Bring me the fountain.

10:05 p.m.: MILITARY. OOOOOH-RAAAAHHHHHH

10:07 p.m.: Carly explains it all: “We have to go to zero-based budgeting.” THREE PAGE TAX CODE!

10:10 p.m.: Trump bangs the “too many words” drumbeat again! LET’S ALL PLAY DUMMMMMMMB!

10:13 p.m.: Rand Paul doesn’t know anything at all. Like, absolutely nothing.

10:18 p.m.: Ben Carson: “That’s why they call them Special OPS,” also, “Pooootin,” also OMG, it’s almost mean to make fun of Carson. “In order to make them look like losers you have to destroy their (califate?)”

10:21 p.m.: Jeb Bush is your most boring uncle. He is not your gay uncle.

10:22 p.m.: “Ever in anything” is not quantifiable, Mr. Trump. He and Putin were both in a green room together on 60 Minutes. NOW THERE’S HECKLING ON THE DAIS.

10:24 p.m.: Christians and moderate Muslims!!! Oh, My, Jeb Bush. Donald Trump doesn’t know who the rebels are. You don’t either. Hey, look over there! At Libya!

10:27 p.m.: Fiorina is an insane vulcan tonight. When she says “no-fly zone,” she means it.

10:31 p.m.: Marco Rubio has never met Vladimir Putin, but he knows enough to know that he’s a “gangster.” Also, apparently the Republicans are playing the Jew/Israel card against Obama. APPLAUSE FROM THE IDIOT CROWD.

10:34 p.m.: None of these people have really been overseas, right? Maybe Trump’s been to Dubai and Fiorina has been to the Bahamas (or at least the Keys), but I’m not buying this foreign policy nonsense.

10:36 p.m.: ONLY 23 MINUTES LEFT OF THE HUNGER GAMES!

10:40 p.m.: Listening to Jeb talk about Dodd-Frank as if he even understands it, then stumbling on a reference to a stump speech in Iowa = understanding that Jeb doesn’t understand what the term economy means so much as he does the term “double down.”

10:43 p.m.: Somebody sitting next to me just said maybe there is a slavery argument to be made in all of this ‘protect the rich,’ ‘the fundamentals that made this country great’ mess. I will withhold comment.

10:45 p.m.: Rubio is OUTRAGED! Rubio is always outraged.

10:48 p.m.: Oh, Ted Cruz, I don’t think your ‘cronyism’ argument is working. Nobody cares about your ‘dead horse act.’ Or your ‘big fancy accountants.’

10:52 p.m.: For the record, no one on stage is an economist. Also, no one in the audience.

10:54 p.m.: Fiorina is redefining socialism via bubbles. Fiorina has now said “crony capitalism,” too. These are all terrible people.

10:58 p.m.: Ooooooh, look everyone just booed Hillary Clinton. Rubio is smirking. This feels rapey.

11:01 p.m.: Why is this still on? It’s 11 p.m. TED CRUZ WON’T LEAVE.

11:07 p.m.: How does a three-page tax code with no words in it lead to a three-hour shoutfest?

11:10 p.m.: FIRE ROUND! 30 SECS EACH! Rand Paul wants you to be super conservative about your money and welfare money and military money. “I’m the only fiscal conservative on the stage.”

11:11 p.m.: Kasich: “The conservative movement is all about opportunity.” Also, if Hillary or Bernie wins then WHAT ABOUT HIS 11 YEAR OLD DAUGHTERS?

11:12 p.m.: Fiorina is talking in the third person and hating on the “Clinton way.” You lose.

11:13 p.m.: Jeb Bush said nothing. Ted Cruz is playing a seaman or semen for freedom. FREE MARKET! White Men Matter.

11:15 p.m.: Hallmark called. They asked for Marco Rubio. I said, “this is Watermark, not Hallmark.”

11:16 p.m.: Ben Carson said “abortionists” and then dissolved like an Alka-Seltzer into the political ether.

11:17 p.m.: Trump just gave the ugliest Hillary attack calling her the “worst Secretary of State in history.” Shut the fuck up.

11:18 p.m.: AND WE ARE DONE. THAT WAS REALLY BAD. REALLY, REALLY BAD. THANKS FOR READING!

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