Screened Out – Ted 2

[one-star-rating]Voice of Seth MacFarlane, Mark Wahlberg, Jessica Barth, Amanda Seyfried, Morgan Freeman, Tom Brady, Sam Jones, Patrick Warburton, Michael Dorn, Giovanni Ribisi[/one-star-rating]

There is a well-written article floating around the Internet entitled “Stop Telling Me to Turn My Brain Off During Movies.” It’s by Matt Singer, a critic for ScreenCrush, a website very friendly to pop culture. Singer argues that even summer popcorn flicks can be well-structured, attentive to plot, character, and theme. He’s right. We’ve had great examples – The Dark Knight is prime, but even this year’s Max Max: Fury Road gives up plenty to think about during its protracted chase sequences.

Writer, director and actor Seth MacFarlane hates our brains, thinks they’re useless. He wants to screw any movie shooting for anything more than a waste of two hours.

Ted 2 is intermittently very funny. It also has nothing – nothing – in the shape of cohesive plot or character development. It’s a bunch of skits and gags strung together with no purpose.

Did Morgan Freeman even read the script before he said, "yes"?
Did Morgan Freeman even read the script before he said, “yes”?

Ted the talking teddy bear and his wife (Barth) decide to fix their trashy, dysfunctional marriage by having a baby. Since the stuffed bear doesn’t have a penis, they at first try to get the original Flash Gordon (Jones) to donate. Then they try for Tom Brady, and then the bear’s best buddy Wahlberg.

Yes, the sperm jokes are funny.

Then, Ted finds he’s not a human, so he cannot legally be married or have a kid.

Amanda Seyfried should fire her agent.
Amanda Seyfried should fire her agent.

A young pothead lawyer (Seyfried) gets involved. A toy manufacturer and the creepy villain from the first flick (Ribisi) team up to steal Ted. Yadda yadda yadda.

The jokes are meant to be offensive. What’s really offensive is that this movie compares Ted’s legal battles to those of blacks and gays. We’re also not supposed to notice that they use the same courtroom and extras for difference court cases.

MacFarlane tries every trick to make this crap distractingly entertaining. There’s a big, pointless dance number over the titles. There’s a subplot about pot smoking. Seyfried sings a song that completely stops the film.

The villainous Ribisi adds no tension whatsoever. Part of the problem is that he has an aimless scene early on and then doesn’t do anything of note until 20 minutes from the end.

MacFarlane's movie career is his argument against any standards or intelligence in film.
MacFarlane’s movie career is his argument against any standards or intelligence in film.

MacFarlane must feel the film is sagging, because he takes an absurd road trip to NYC. Then his juvenile, unchanging characters invade a comic convention. This is so he can make fun of the people’s costumes. That’s how desperately meandering Ted 2 is.

It is better than MacFarlane’s A Million Ways to Die in the West; that’s not saying much.

The story of a toy that comes to life cries for emotion, for the characters to grow. I wonder what Ron Howard or Bob Zemekis – or any other better creative mind than MacFarlane’s – could’ve done with this premise.

Yet, people will argue with me that they laughed. Yes, I did, too, but I could’ve stayed home and watched feminist comic Amy Schumer for free; I’d laugh and think at the same time. This makes Ted 2 absolutely not worth your ten bucks, meaning it’s one star.

[rating-key]

In his article, Singer says, “If the only way to enjoy something is to turn your brain off, then it probably isn’t very good.”

Exactly!

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