It’s June, which means news outlets around the country will cover LGBT Pride events. And as with every year, the uneducated collection of straight individuals who don’t know their civil rights history or understand the importance of equality will be irritated by this attention. And eventually, they will ask the repetitive question: “Why isn’t there a straight pride parade?”
They’ve asked before, so let’s break it down, shall we?
When a criminal targets you on the street, calls you “hetero” over and over and beats you to an almost unrecognizable pulp, you may have your heterosexual pride parade.
When a landlord kicks you out of your rented residence because you “choose” to become romantic with a person of the opposite sex—and your local community doesn’t offer you any legal protections—you may have your heterosexual pride parade.
If you are in need of public housing and are denied it because you have a vagina and your boyfriend has a penis, you may have your heterosexual pride parade.
You may have your heterosexual pride parade only after you are regularly called hateful names and called a sinner because you are seen holding the hand of the person you love as you walk down the street.
When churches shut their doors to you or actively campaign to prevent the government from extending protections to your family, simply because you are attracted to a person with different genitalia than you, feel free to start organizing those floats and stacking bags of beads.
When your marriage to your opposite-gender spouse is suddenly invalidated simply because you crossed a state line or you lose the right to make medical decisions for your spouse because you’re in a different county than where you had to “register,” you may have your heterosexual pride parade.
When you decide to make a life-long commitment to your significant other, only to have your application for a marriage license denied because you are opposite genders, start organizing your heterosexual pride parade.
When the term, “That’s so straight,” is wielded as an insult, you may have your heterosexual pride parade.
If you find yourself at a gathering of friends and someone learns of your sexual orientation and expresses shock with, “Wow, you don’t act straight,” you may begin plotting the route of your straight pride parade.
When you meet a stranger on the sidewalk holding a sign declaring that the love you have for your opposite-gender partner in life is sinful and an abomination punishable by hell and damnation, you may have a heterosexual pride parade to celebrate that love.
If a legislator in your state brings forth a bill that allows your neighborhood supermarket to refuse service to you because they’re uncomfortable putting a bride and a groom on top of a cake—or a hairstylist to deny you a trim because she doesn’t believe you should marry the opposite gender, maybe you’ll see a need for a heterosexual pride festival.
When leaders of large religious organizations thriving in your own “free” country support another country’s proposed laws that would mean death to those who find the opposite gender attractive; or when those leaders say such laws should be incorporated in your own country, you can start picking out the colors of your pride flag.
If you are a male, professional sports athlete and hear life-changing, career-altering news on national television that results in a congratulatory kiss from your girlfriend, only to hear how “disgusting” or “inappropriate” it is for children to see, you may have your heterosexual pride parade in any month you choose.
If you are attacked in a public place and no one steps forward to assist you because someone is uncomfortable with your expressed gender, get the soundtrack ready for your straight pride dance party.
If you are a parent who is married to a person of the opposite gender, and you are told that your child is “at risk” because the two people who love him don’t have matching genitalia, you may have your heterosexual pride parade.
And finally, if your parents kicked you out because you shared that you found the opposite gender attractive, your heterosexual pride permitting applications should be rushed to city hall.
Happy LGBT Pride month!
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