We get blamed for everything else, so why not the Mayan Apocalypse?

By : Steve Blanchard
Comments: 0

The LGBT community has been busy this year. According to the far-right religious fanatics, we’re the reason God sent Hurricane Isaac to New Orleans and Hurricane Sandy to the northeast. We’ve caused blizzards and earthquakes and probably the historic drought in the Midwest. (Thanks Iowa and your thriving same-sex wedding industry!)

The country’s growing acceptance of marriage equality has put the United States directly in the path of the universe’s vengeance, so it only makes sense that we should take credit for the Mayan-scheduled end of the world on Dec. 21.

As everyone knows now, thanks to the internet, the John Cusack film 2012 and every tabloid in the supermarket checkout line, it’s the end of the world! We’re done! Kaput! Scrubbed out of existence.

Instead of sulking in a corner, we should enjoy the man reasons to celebrate. For example, holiday procrastinators can rejoice. This year there’s no need to buy crappy convenience store Christmas gifts for family and friends this year because you decided to wait until the last minute – again. No one will be around to open presents anyway.

At least, that’s what an alarming (10%) of the population believes. That’s according to a recent Ipsos poll, which asked more than 16,200 adults in 21 countries what they thought of an impending apocalypse. The same study revealed that one-in-seven global citizens believe the end of the world is coming in their lifetime.

In reality, the signs have been there all along! Honey Boo Boo was renewed for a second season and there is still a real threat that Twinkies will cease to exist, for God’s sake! And don’t even get us started on the Kardashians, Logo’s decision to stop being an LGBT-themed network and Lifetime’s remake of Steel Magnolias.

We’ve asked a few friends to help us take pause and look at the end of the world. Their insights, while much appreciated, are pretty comical.

So check out our take on the approaching apocalypse then prepare to party with friends at home or in your favorite bar. (How nice is it that the end of the world falls on a Friday?) Because if anyone can bring the world into the afterlife with more style than John Cusack, it’s the LGBT community!

THE END
and how to celebrate it

Compiled By Kirk Hartlage

This might be the last Watermark you’ll ever read.  No, we’re not taking the Newsweek route and eliminating the printed editions of our publication. If followers of the Ancient Mayans are to be believed, the end of the world is scheduled for Dec.r 21, 2012, which makes our next issue – as well as everything else on Earth – moot.

There are some who say this Mayan-end-date phenomenon marks a time in which the people of Earth could undergo a positive physical or spiritual transformation, and that 2012 may mark the beginning of a glorious new era. Others believe this month’s third Friday will be Earth’s last day, which might see our home planet disappearing into a black hole or colliding into another planet.

The signs of our demise may upon us. Honey Boo Boo was renewed for a second season, and – at least for now – it appears Twinkies have died.

It may be the end of the world as we know it, but we feel fine. We asked some friends of Watermark how they felt; specifically, if they’ve seen proof that the Mayans were right and the end of the world is nigh.  And because we hate to miss out on a good party, we also asked how they’d plan to celebrate the end of the world.

The Democrats have finally grabbed the reins for Central Florida, so I’m sure that means something. I would celebrate the end with family around talking about what we all love about each other and eating ourselves sick on sweets, steak and carbs. If there was an “end party” somewhere I might go for a few hours, just to see what is going on. – Linda Stewart, Florida House Representative, District 37 (D)

In my opinion, the political and religious divide is telltale sign of the end of times. Of course if history is any indication, we have to see the darkest times before the light. For example take the Civil Rights Movement of the 60s; all the violence and destruction caused by race riots. I’m sure many thought that was the End of Times, but it lead to something much better. I can only hope the divide we see today in politics and religion is nearing its apex and we’ll see people be able to come together soon! (If not, well… then it’s been nice knowing you!) – Chuck Henson, Real Time Traffic Expert, Bay News 9, 2012 Tampa Bay WAVE Award winner.

You want proof the world is coming to an end? How about my right-wing conservative father telling me, “Ya know, if I was ever to come back in another life, I would want to be a gay man. You guys have all the fun.” I’d celebrate by taking a clothing-optional cruise around the world with my closest friends: Channing Tatum, Tim Tebow, Jake Gyllenhaal, Prince Harry, JJ Redick, and the U.S. Men’s Gymnastics team. Oh, and of course, my partner Mike Rogier would be on the cruise, too. It is the end of the world for Christ’s sake. - John Paonessa, Co-Owner, Hamburger Mary’s Orlando

For me, the sign that the end of the world was upon us was that I won the WAVE Award for Tampa Bay’s Favorite Bartender! To celebrate I plan on trying to get fisted for my first time. Hey if we die, I won’t feel the pain. - Duffy Iorio of Georgie’s Alibi, St. Petersburg

I realized it must be the end when I noticed that the skin on the back of my hands didn’t snap back quickly the other day when I did the Snap Test. After a carb-laden meal and Manhattans, all I’d want at the end is to be with my partner, Kirk, on our old couch in our comfortable living room, looking into his eyes and hugging him tight, comforting him because he’ll be trembling as the sky disappears beyond the living room window. – Jim Crescitelli, Writer and Raconteur

It must be the end because Glee is still on the air. And because of that, I would like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company. – Jeff Jones, Orlando comedian

Well in my opinion I knew it was true after Jersey Shore had several seasons on TV. And sandy just had to come in and give ’em one hell of a blow job! That says to me me sit down and shut da hell up! Nothing else screams end if the world like that catastrophe..and by that I mean the show! – Meagan Towers, Tampa Bay bingo queen and performer

This year two openly gay members were elected to the Florida House of Representatives. Tammy Baldwin became the first openly gay member of the U.S. Senate. The U.S. House of Representatives will have the largest caucus of openly-gay members in its history. The world many not come to a physical end on Dec. 21, but the world that many of us have lived in for decades will. The world is changing faster than we know and having representatives for our community in these places of power matters a great deal. But if the Mayans are right I’d throw a big party and invite everyone I love. I’d sit them around a table and tell them all as quickly as possible (since time is of the essence) what they each mean to me. – Joe Saunders, Florida House Representative, District 49 (D)

Signs the world is ending? Well, I’d point to things like the Kardashians raking in millions for doing nothing while employable people lose their houses – or to the Jersey Shore cast making more money per episode in their last season than high school English teachers make in three years (who are teaching kids not to sound like idiots on the Jersey Shore.) But rewarding the worthless or near-worthless is really nothing new. Besides, if the fate of the Earth hinges on Snooki, it’s already over. So what will I do to celebrate? Win the lottery. I find it completely believable that the day I win millions would be the same day the world would explode. – Liz Langley, award-winning journalist and author of Crazy Little Thing: Why Love & Sex Drive Us Mad

You can see the end in the chaos of the world and how greedy we are, from corporations and our government raping us to everyone blaming the world for their problems. All the world really is, is a reflection of our behaviors. In my opinion, I don’t see anything getting better until we all treat another better. That said, if the Mayans are correct I’ll celebrate with a big plate of nachos with lots of cheese, a margarita and I’ll be sitting on the beach with beautiful blue water in front of me. At this point I’m assuming the water will consume me just like I’d been consuming my nachos. The circle of life. – Bill Bennett, DJ/Producer and owner of Bill Bennett Boot Camp Orlando

I think the calendars are off by 12 years or so. The end should have come when Gwyneth Paltrow won an Oscar. When it is the end I hope to spend the final hours in the arms of newscaster Brian Williams. – Doug Ba’aser, Orlando Actor and Radio Personality

Here’s how I know the end is coming: I attended the Republican National Convention in person, which included a visit to a gay Republican soiree. There, it was argued that the important issue for gays is the economy (as opposed to equal rights) because “nobody will want to marry you if you don’t have a job.” Grover Norquist was there and I took a picture with him. Also, I personally saw love die. But in celebration of the apocalypse, I’ll probably finally learn how to cook something. And then to eat it. – Billy Manes, Senior Staff Writer Orlando Weekly

First there was Honey Boo Boo, then came the series Moonshine. The civilized world has now hit rock bottom with the new series on Discovery called Amish Mafia. Drive by shootings from a horse-drawn carriage? Bootlegging Diet Coke?  I first thought this was a Saturday Night Live skit, but it’s for real. I think this is a sign that the apocalypse may be upon us. Other signs that the end may be near are that gay legislators are actually walking the hallways of the State Capital of Florida. Oh wait, they have always been walking the hallways in the State Capital. I meant openly gay legislators are serving in Tallahassee, causing one politician in Apopka to mutter that “hell has frozen over.” As for celebrating (as in “celebrate” for announcing the end of the world), I would finish maxing out my credit cards with expensive chocolate confetti and bottles of Chivas Regal Royal Salute Scotch (50 years old), along with thick Ribeye bone-in steaks for my dogs. Then, we’ll all sit outside by the pool, sipping Scotch while I smoke my last Cuban cigar while listening to Bruce Springsteen, waiting for the fireworks. Or, as an alternative, watching Amish Mafia. – Randy Stephens, Executive Director of the GLBT Community Center of Central Florida

If the world is ending, in the morning I would start by apologizing to this lovely planet for our abusing it so shamelessly (and for George Bush). In the afternoon I would swallow a “bean” and throw a Pumpkin Patch Party to enjoy a few last good whiffs while the song “Unpeakable Joy” underscores the event. Then, in the evening, I’d enjoy another “bean” and attend a Broadway Musical; most likely The Book of Mormon, hoping that the end of the world might perfectly coincide with the ending strains of that lovely production number, “Hasa Diga Eebowai. – Michael Wanzie, Orlando Playwright and Radio Personality

Yellowstone volcano is due to erupt. The Republican party already has. The sun, earth and the center of our galaxy will align at sunrise on December 21, 2012 (12.21.12). The Mayan Long Count Calendar takes in 5,125 years and is about as accurate as the Atomic Clock. I plan on sitting in my yard with a bottle of Jack Daniels and if the end does come at sunrise I will leave a very happy, very drunk person. If the end doesn’t come, I’ll saved it for New Year’s Eve! – Otto Frauenzimmer, GSHRadio.com co-host

The end of the world again? This concept is as misleading as a “Lindsay Lohan is going to jail” headline. Still, if it were true, I’d settle in for a marathon of The Walking Dead. Clearly, it’s going to be a zombie apocalypse. One can never be too prepared. Oh, and with lots of vodka. – Nick “Scooby” Smith, Founder of Sunday Surrender at Ember

It must be the end because “Gangnam Style” has become the most-watched video on YouTube, and I’ve been dating the same guy for almost three months. So if it were the end, I’d immediately break up with the guy I’ve been dating so I can hook up with as many guys as possible, all while watching “Gangnam Style” on YouTube. – DJ Justice, Host of Outloud Orlando: The Homo Happy Hour Radio Show on 91.5 FM

The proof is that Lindsay Lohan’s rehab didn’t seem to work (and she tried so hard).  So, who better to celebrate with than Lindsay, of course, drinking Vodka-Red Bulls. It’s the official drink to savor at the world’s end, because in the afterlife it’s all about wings and spirits. – Thomas Hawes, Orlando resident

You know, I thought the Mayans were right until I saw proof that Cher really is coming out with a new album. I figured if Cher’s not done yet, then the Earth isn’t done yet. That’s actually a relief because when Brittany became a judge on X Factor and then came out with her new single I just knew we were done as a planet! – Aaron Wilson, Clearwater resident

The fact that Octomom has a single out, that Honey Boo Boo is a celebrity, and the simple fact that it seems like you really need to be a reality star these days to get any media attention tells me the end of the world is near. If it is, I’d throw a giant party for the people that I love the most in my life… my dearest loved ones, friends and family. We’d drink and laugh until the lights went out. I’d wanna go out on a high and happy note for sure. – Matt Zarley, Broadway star and singer; his latest album Change Begins With Me is available now

The fact that Barack Obama has, more than once, made references to doing it “Gangnam Style” tells me that the world is indeed coming to an end. So, if it is, I’ll celebrate on a private Caribbean island with just my family. (Okay, and maybe a personal chef…and a masseuse…and maybe a nanny “cause, come on, even when the world’s gonna end, mom and dad sometimes need a break.” – Scott Maxwell, “Taking Names” columnist for the Orlando Sentinel

It must be the end because I now know the name of the kid on Two and A Half Men. When it is the end I wouldn’t celebrate. I’d run around freaking out and eating stuff. Actually the eating stuff part wouldn’t be so bad. – Dave White, film critic for movies.com, and co-host of the “Linoleum Knife” podcast.

Now is the time to gather your post-apocalyptic necessities!

THE END
â┚¬Â¦ and how to celebrate it

Compiled By Kirk Hartlage

This might be the last Watermark you’ll ever read.  No, we’re not taking the Newsweek route and eliminating the printed editions of our publication. If followers of the Ancient Mayans are to be believed, the end of the world is scheduled for Dec.r 21, 2012, which makes our next issueâ┚¬â€as well as everything else on Earthâ┚¬â€moot.

There are some who say this Mayan-end-date phenomenon marks a time in which the people of Earth could undergo a positive physical or spiritual transformation, and that 2012 may mark the beginning of a glorious new era. Others believe this month’s third Friday will be Earth’s last day, which might see our home planet disappearing into a black hole or colliding into another planet.

The signs of our demise may upon us. Honey Boo Boo was renewed for a second season, andâ┚¬â€at least for nowâ┚¬â€it appears Twinkies have died.
It may be the end of the world as we know it, but we feel fine. We asked some friends of Watermark how they felt; specifically, if they’ve seen proof that the Mayans were right and the end of the world is nigh.  And because we hate to miss out on a good party, we also asked how they’d plan to celebrate the end of the world.

The Democrats have finally grabbed the reins for Central Florida, so I’m sure that means something. I would celebrate the end with family around talking about what we all love about each other and eating ourselves sick on sweets, steak and carbs. If there was an “end party” somewhere I might go for a few hours, just to see what is going on.â┚¬â€Linda Stewart, Florida House Representative, District 37 (D)

In my opinion, the political and religious divide is telltale sign of the end of times. Of course if history is any indication, we have to see the darkest times before the light. For example take the Civil Rights Movement of the 60s; all the violence and destruction caused by race riots. I’m sure many thought that was the End of Times, but it lead to something much better. I can only hope the divide we see today in politics and religion is nearing its apex and we’ll see people be able to come together soon! (If not, well… then it’s been nice knowing you!)â┚¬â€Chuck Henson, Real Time Traffic Expert, Bay News 9, 2012 Tampa Bay WAVE Award winner

You want proof the world is coming to an end? How about my right-wing conservative father telling me, â┚¬Å”Ya know, if I was ever to come back in another life, I would want to be a gay man. You guys have all the fun.” I’d celebrate by taking a clothing-optional cruise around the world with my closest friends: Channing Tatum, Tim Tebow, Jake Gyllenhaal, Prince Harry, JJ Redick, and the U.S. Men’s Gymnastics team. Oh, and of course, my partner Mike Rogier would be on the cruise, too. It is the end of the world for Christ’s sake. â┚¬â€John Paonessa, Co-Owner, Hamburger Mary’s Orlando

For me, the sign that the end of the world was upon us was that I won the WAVE Award for Tampa Bay’s Favorite Bartender! To celebrate I plan on trying to get fisted for my first time. Hey if we die, I won’t feel the pain.â┚¬â€Duffy Iorio of Georgie’s Alibi, St. Petersburg

I realized it must be the end when I noticed that the skin on the back of my hands didn’t snap back quickly the other day when I did the Snap Test. After a carb-laden meal and Manhattans, all I’d want at the end is to be with my partner, Kirk, on our old couch in our comfortable living room, looking into his eyes and hugging him tight, comforting him because he’ll be trembling as the sky disappears beyond the living room window.â┚¬â€Jim Crescitelli, Writer and Raconteur

It must be the end because Glee is still on the air. And because of that, I would like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company.â┚¬â€Jeff Jones, Orlando comedian

Well in my opinion I knew it was true after Jersey Shore had several seasons on TV. And sandy just had to come in and give ’em one hell of a blow job! That says to me me sit down and shut da hell up! Nothing else screams end if the world like that catastrophe..and by that I mean the show!â┚¬â€Meagan Towers, Tampa Bay bingo queen and performer

This year two openly gay members were elected to the Florida House of Representatives. Tammy Baldwin became the first openly gay member of the U.S. Senate. The U.S. House of Representatives will have the largest caucus of openly-gay members in its history. The world many not come to a physical end on Dec. 21, but the world that many of us have lived in for decades will. The world is changing faster than we know and having representatives for our community in these places of power matters a great deal. But if the Mayans are right I’d throw a big party and invite everyone I love. I’d sit them around a table and tell them all as quickly as possible (since time is of the essence) what they each mean to me.â┚¬â€Joe Saunders, Florida House Representative, District 49 (D)

Signs the world is ending? Well, I’d point to things like the Kardashians raking in millions for doing nothing while employable people lose their housesâ┚¬Â¦ or to the Jersey Shore cast making more  money per episode in their last season than high school English teachers make in three years (who are teaching kids not to sound like idiots on The Jersey Shore.) But rewarding the worthless or near-worthless is really nothing new. Besides, if the fate of the Earth hinges on Snooki, it’s already over. So what will I do to celebrate? Win the lottery. I find it completely believable that the day I win millions would be the same day the world would explode.â┚¬â€Liz Langley, award-winning journalist and author of Crazy Little Thing: Why Love & Sex Drive Us Mad

You can see the end in the chaos of the world and how greedy we are, from corporations and our government raping us to everyone blaming the world for their problems. All the world really is, is a reflection of our behaviors. In my opinion, I don’t see anything getting better until we all treat another better. That said, if the Mayans are correct I’ll celebrate with a big plate of nachos with lots of cheese, a margarita and I’ll be sitting on the beach with beautiful blue water in front of me. At this point I’m assuming the water will consume me just like I’d been consuming my nachos. The circle of life.â┚¬â€Bill Bennett, DJ/Producer and owner of Bill Bennett Boot Camp Orlando

I think the calendars are off by 12 years or so. The end should have come when Gwyneth Paltrow won an Oscar. When it is the end I hope to spend the final hours in the arms of newscaster Brian Williams.â┚¬â€Doug Ba’aser, Orlando Actor and Radio Personality

Here’s how I know the end is coming: I attended the Republican National Convention in person, which included a visit to a gay Republican soiree. There, it was argued that the important issue for gays is the economy (as opposed to equal rights) because “nobody will want to marry you if you don’t have a job.” Grover Norquist was there and I took a picture with him. Also, I personally saw love die. But in celebration of the apocalypse, I’ll probably finally learn how to cook something. And then to eat it.â┚¬â€Billy Manes, Senior Staff Writer Orlando Weekly

First there was Honey Boo Boo, then came the series Moonshine. The civilized world has now hit rock bottom with the new series on Discovery called Amish Mafia. Drive by shootings from a horse-drawn carriage? Bootlegging Diet Coke?  I first thought this was a Saturday Night Live skit, but it’s for real. I think this is a sign that the apocalypse may be upon us. Other signs that the end may be near are that gay legislators are actually walking the hallways of the State Capital of Florida. Oh wait, they have always been walking the hallways in the State Capital. I meant openly gay legislators are serving in Tallahassee, causing one politician in Apopka to mutter that, â┚¬Å”Hell has frozen over.â┚¬Â
As for celebrating (as if â┚¬Å”celebrateâ┚¬Â for announcing the end of the world), I would finish maxing out my credit cards with expensive chocolate confetti and bottles of Chivas Regal Royal Salute Scotch (50 years old), along with thick Ribeye bone-in steaks for my dogs. Then, we’ll all sit outside by the pool, sipping Scotch while I smoke my last Cuban cigar while listening to Bruce Springsteen, waiting for the fireworks. Or, as an alternative, watching Amish Mafia.â┚¬â€Randy Stephens, Executive Director of the GLBT Community Center of Central Florida

If the world is ending, in the morning I would start by apologizing to this lovely planet for our abusing it so shamelessly (and for George Bush). In the afternoon I would swallow a “bean” and throw a Pumpkin Patch Party to enjoy a few last good whiffs while the song “Unpeakable Joy” underscores the event. Then, in the evening, I’d enjoy another “bean” and attend a Broadway Musical; most likely The Book of Mormon, hoping that the end of the world might perfectly coincide with the ending strains of that lovely production number, “Hasa Diga Eebowai.â┚¬ÂÃ¢â”šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬ÂMichael Wanzie, Orlando Playwright and Radio Personality

Yellowstone volcano is due to erupt. The Republican party already has. The sun, earth and the center of our galaxy will align at sunrise on December 21, 2012 (12.21.12). The Mayan Long Count Calendar takes in 5,125 years and is about as accurate as the Atomic Clock.
I plan on sitting in my yard with a bottle of Jack Daniels and if the end does come at sunrise I will leave a very happy, very drunk person. If the end doesn’t come, I’ll saved it for New Year’s Eve!â┚¬â€Otto Frauenzimmer, GSHRadio.com co-host

***

The end of the world again? This concept is as misleading as a “Lindsay Lohan is going to jail” headline. Still, if it were true, I’d settle in for a marathon of The Walking Dead. Clearly, it’s going to be a zombie apocalypse. One can never be too prepared. Oh, and with lots of vodka.â┚¬â€Nick “Scooby” Smith, Founder of Sunday Surrender at Ember

It must be the end because â┚¬Å”Gangnam Styleâ┚¬Â has become the most-watched video on YouTube, and I’ve been dating the same guy for almost three months. So if it were the end, I’d immediately break up with the guy I’ve been dating so I can hook up with as many guys as possible, all while watching â┚¬Å”Gangnam Styleâ┚¬Â on YouTube.â┚¬â€DJ Justice, Host of Outloud Orlando: The Homo Happy Hour Radio Show on 91.5 FM

The proof is that Lindsay Lohan’s rehab didn’t seem to work (and she tried so hard).  So, who better to celebrate with than Lindsay, of course, drinking Vodka-Red Bulls. It’s the official drink to savor at the world’s end, because in the afterlife it’s all about wings and spirits.â┚¬â€Thomas Hawes, Orlando resident

You know, I thought the Mayans were right until I saw proof that Cher really is coming out with a new album. I figured if Cher’s not done yet, then the Earth isn’t done yet. That’s actually a relief because when Brittany became a judge on X Factor and then came out with her new single I just knew we were done as a planet!â┚¬â€Aaron Wilson, Clearwater resident

The fact that Octomom has a single out, that Honey Boo Boo is a celebrity, and the simple fact that it seems like you really need to be a reality star these days to get any media attention tells me the end of the world is near. If it is, I’d throw a giant party for the people that I love the most in my life… my dearest loved ones, friends and family. We’d drink and laugh until the lights went out. I’d wanna go out on a high and happy note for sure.â┚¬â€Matt Zarley, Broadway star and singer; his latest album Change Begins With Me is available now

The fact that Barack Obama has, more than once, made references to doing it â┚¬Å”Gangnam Styleâ┚¬Â tells me that the world is indeed coming to an end. So, if it is, I’ll celebrate on a private Caribbean island with just my family. (Okay, and maybe a personal chef â┚¬Â¦ and a masseuse â┚¬Â¦ and maybe a nanny â┚¬Â¦ â┚¬Ëœcause, come on, even when the world’s gonna end, mom and dad sometimes need a break.â┚¬â€Scott Maxwell, â┚¬Å”Taking Names” columnist for The Orlando Sentinel

It must be the end because I now know the name of the kid on Two and A Half Men. When it is the end I wouldn’t celebrate. I’d run around freaking out and eating stuff. Actually the eating stuff part wouldn’t be so bad.â┚¬â€Dave White, Film Critic for Movies.com, and Co- Host of the â┚¬Å”Linoleum Knifeâ┚¬Â podcast

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