5.13.10 Editor’s Desk

5.13.10 Editor’s Desk

SteveBlanchardHeadshotDetermining when a compliment is truly a compliment and when it is a backward insult can be tricky. That’s surprising since a compliment is usually easily and readily received.

I was reminded of this while on the phone with one of my best friends recently—a St. Petersburg-based lesbian. She was adamant that she had to tell me a story.

“I know you’re busy, but I have a story for you,” she told me. I know that by “story” she means she has a tale to share with me—not a story that I should track down as part of my duties as editor of this newspaper.

She knows that this is an insanely busy time of year for me, but I told her that I had plenty of time to hear her tale and that I needed to unplug from work for a few minutes. She told me she was playing pool at one of her favorite watering holes—a “straight” establishment that caters to an older, sometimes retired, clientele—when a straight male friend of hers tried to offer a compliment.

“I’ve known him a long time and he knows I’m a lesbian. But he had been drinking,” she recalled. “He came up to me looked me in the eye and said, ‘Wow, what a waste.’”

I know that she knew what he meant by that and I know what he meant by that. My friend is in her early 30s and quite attractive. This guy was trying to tell her that her beauty was “wasted” because she didn’t find men attractive.

It was a full out insult hidden within a backward compliment.

“I’m not a waste. He’s a waste,” she told me as I was laughing at her pain. To her the phrase was right up there with the ever-popular, “You’re a lesbian? You just haven’t met the right man yet.”

I’m pretty sure that’s the number one thing to never say to a lesbian. But lesbians aren’t alone in this world of strange and insulting compliments.

Several weeks ago I was in the gym moving some pretty serious weight when an older gentleman I’ve spoken to several times in the past found out I was gay. He knows I’m in journalism but I’ve never shared the specifics of my job. When he asked me how work was going and I told him I was busy managing this issue of the newspaper, collecting information about the upcoming Gay Days festivities in Orlando and writing several stories for the St. Pete Pride Program, which will be distributed at the end of this month.

It took him a second for my words to sink in, but then he smiled and said, “I never would have guessed you were gay.”

He meant it as a compliment—I guess gay men aren’t supposed to bench press as much as I do or maybe we aren’t supposed to have facial hair. But in his mind I didn’t fit the predetermined stereotype of what “gay” means to him.

I awkwardly thanked him for his compliment, but I couldn’t get his words out of my mind. After I finished another set I walked over to him and asked why he was so surprised that I was gay.

After a few stutters he told me that my height, size and self-confidence just made me appear straight. He could tell I was confused by that statement and he told me to “just take it as a compliment.”

I smiled at him and told him I wasn’t upset, but that I thought it was important to share that gay men—and lesbians—come in all different types. We’re masculine, we’re feminine, we’re muscular, we’re small-framed, we’re heavy-set, we’re attractive and we’re not-so-attractive.

I also told him that no, the locker room is not like Christmas morning to a gay man (someone actually asked me that once). I left things on good terms with my gym friend and I was happy that I addressed his “compliment.” I do know that a few other guys nearby overheard parts of our conversation and I looked at it as an opportunity to show them—whether they are gay or not—that individuality is what matters most and not stereotypes.

If I had missed the opportunity, that truly would have been a waste.

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