The Wonderful World of Wanzie: Florida heat and summer schools

By : Michael Wanzie
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Why is it when a svelte, smooth-chested, swimmer-type guy goes jogging shirtless on a scorching Orlando summer day, it is said of him that his luscious perspiration, glistening in the sunlight, gleefully beckons adoring tongues to lap up his liquid masculinity from a bronzed canvas of sensual, sun-drenched flesh, but when a big boned (read: fat) guy like me does the same thing the only thought it brings to anyone’s mind is, “Christ that tub of lard sweats like a fucking pig!?”

Never mind your snarky answers. It was a rhetorical question to which I already know the answer all too well—and thus Summer is in full stride in Central Florida. Thus continues my annual stint of carefully navigating my way into various pools at various parties with my shirt still on because I have body issues regarding my man boobs. Too much information? OK then, we’ll move on.

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Watermark on the Fringe: Wanzie’s “Monorail Inferno”

By : Danny Garcia
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Disney’s aging monorail system — a tram that transports guests around Walt Disney World — pops up occasionally in the news with technical issues such as doors not opening, trams getting stuck and, in one tragic case, the death of a Disney cast member when two of the trams collided. But before any of that, there was one major monorail event that occurred on June 26, 1985 which inspired Michael Wanzie to create a musical called “Monorail Inferno.”

Originally premiering at the Parliament House’s Footlight Theatre in the 1980s and revived from the ashes about ten years ago, this musical comedy (which hits some serious dramatic notes as well) returns with showings in Orlando Fringe’s Silver Venue.

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Wonderful World of Wanzie: By all means – LET’S GO TO WAR!

By : Michael Wanzie
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Much of what I have to say here I’ve said before, from many podiums and in many written diatribes.It bears repeating. Especially with all that is happening presently, including the recent unseemly situation where the Christian right was willing to send Roy Moore—a probable pedophile—to Washington. Why? Because he insisted he would put God above country and Christianity back into government while exposing his hatred of homosexuals and his fervent goal to reverse our advances and disenfranchise us by every possible means. Yes, my “viewpoint” has to do with a “war” for which I have become an advocate.

It is an egregious waste of the people’s time and money when elected officials engage in arguing matters of law and government policy by referencing the Bible and invoking the name of Jesus or God. Heed the words of our founding fathers and the cherished documents that established this nation, which so clearly set forth the framework for how our government is meant to function: “…shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.” That is crystal clear. There is no room for argument or debate. An absolute mandate for every legislative body in this county is that they “shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.” Period!

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The Wonderful World of Wanzie: A Questionable Year

By : Michael Wanzie
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Since this is to be my final column of 2017, I’ve decided to look back over the year in the form of questions. I’ll begin back at the top of year: January 20, 2017—a day that will live in infamy.

So this guy, with his hand on the Bible, freely admitted that he routinely kissed women uninvited and pressed toward them in inappropriate ways. He boasted that when one is a star, as is he, he can get away with doing anything he wants to woman. He proclaimed that he grabs women by the pussy. In response to his admission of serial sexual assaults on women, Billy Bush stupidly laughed. How is it Billy Bush lost his job but that guy becomes president of the United States of America?

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The Wonderful World of Wanzie: Thanksgiving is a fraud!

By : Michael Wanzie
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As I flip over the hardware-store calendar to November and see that big-busted gal sitting on her John Deere in her daisy dukes…oh who I am kidding. My calendar’s November picture is of a group of Catholic nuns in full-on black & white habits playing ice hockey, but I digress. As we stumble from the bar into the month of November our thoughts unavoidably turn to “The Holidays.”

November is the month of our annual fraudulent celebration feast commemorating the “First Thanksgiving,” which by now we should all know did not take place anywhere near Plymouth Rock. The actual, fact-checked-and-proven, “First Thanksgiving” was celebrated a full 50 years prior to the Massachusetts gathering by Catholic colonists who were following Spanish explorer Don Pedro Melendez de Aviles. As far as commemorating the first Thanksgiving goes we don’t even get the month right! Records indicate Melendez first spotted what is now Florida on August 28, 1565. When he finally guided his 800 Catholic pals ashore on September 8, he declared the spot would hence forth be known as “St. Augustine” in honor of the saint on whose feast day Melendez had first glimpsed the Florida shoreline through his spyglass.

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THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF WANZIE: What I did over the summer

By : Michael Wanzie
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School is back in session so as routine dictates it’s time to report – What I did over the summer:

I’m not a student, so the only thing that made me aware school was out in June was my inability to skip haphazardly though a theme park with carefree abandon – as I have been known to do from time to time. Instead I was reduced to a vigilant crawl carefully navigating and calculating every step so as not collide with another god damned stroller. Never-the-less, I thoroughly enjoyed my “Flight of Passage” on the back of a banshee in the new land of Pandora at Disney’s Animal Kingdom. I must admit all my pent up resentment over the fact the ride was nothing more than a cross utilization of the already existing “Soarin’” technology was quickly allayed about five seconds into this spectacular experience. It was actually worth the 90-minute wait.

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The Wonderful World of Wanzie: President Pants on Fire

By : Michael Wanzie
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Where is even one Republican in Congress with the spine, conscience and courage to stand up and say, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore?”

Apparently they don’t yet exist.

The Wall Street Journal has called for the Trump regime to immediately engage in “radical transparency” as the only means by which they might save themselves from the heavy weight and potentially dire consequences of the Russia probe. This would be sound advice if, and only if, Donald Jr. and the Trump administration had nothing to hide.

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The Wonderful World of Wanzie: A plea to gay Republicans

By : Michael Wanzie
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Michael Wanzie

This is not my typical rant about how I am mystified by the very concept of Log Cabin Republicans. Instead this my sincere and earnest plea to LGBT persons who are registered Republicans to please come to your senses, and just for this one election, for your own sake, step away from the people – Republicans seeking office – who, if elected, will in fact drag us backward, reversing every stride we as a community have made toward equality over the past decade.

Your party has spoken. Your heterosexual Bible-thumping homophobic colleagues have voted for and adopted a platform that clearly and emphatically states YOU do not matter. A platform that clearly and emphatically states they intend to target YOU; to pro-actively work and vote to reverse YOUR marriages and declare YOUR unions once again illegal. To keep YOU from adopting. They have stated clearly and emphatically they intend to support the right of businesses to deny YOU goods and services simply because of who YOU are. In light of these very real, very dangerous, archaic planks in your party’s platform how can you possibly vote for Republicans in the upcoming election?

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“Christmas Spectacular” update: Wanzie wins!

By : Jamie Hyman
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We recently reported that Watermark columnist and Orange Blossom Trail Living Nativity Christmas Spectacular creator Michael Wanzie received a cease and desist letter from attorneys for Radio City Music Hall, accusing him of infringing on their trademark of the phrase “Christmas Spectacular.”

Wanzie posted an update, that he’s been back and forth with the attorneys since, discussing the boundaries of satire and the legal battles he has fought (and won) regarding other parody productions. Find out what happened after the jump: 

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Radio City Music Hall attorneys send Wanzie cease and desist over “Christmas Spectacular”

By : Jamie Hyman
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When one sits in Parliament House’s Footlight Theatre and watches The Orange Blossom Trail Living Nativity Christmas Spectacular, featuring Blue Star’s naughty angel, a drag Joan Collins and three wise men pulled from the audience, usually still clutching their cocktails on stage… well. It is almost exactly being in New York City’s Radio City Music Hall, watching their annual Christmas Spectacular.

Except not at all. Too bad Radio City’s attorneys don’t agree, as they’ve sent Watermark columnist and Orange Blossom Trail Living Nativity Christmas Spectacular creator Michael Wanzie a cease and desist letter. 

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Uprisings: Six as a weapon

By : Billy Manes
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As if the holidays weren’t already filled with all the comfort and joy and everything else that could potentially cause side-eyes or horror, just before Christmas, your favorite hoard of aberrant Republican reindeer decided – well at least six of them did – that they would sign on to enact the First Amendment Defense Act (SB 1598, HB 2802) within their first 100 days in office. We would laugh, but this isn’t funny. The bill, which was excreted by Republican Rep. Raul Labrador, R-ID, and his sidekick Sen. Mike Lee, R-UT, seemed a bit like a lark when introduced over the summer. Who does that? But now, with Republicans desperate to distinguish themselves from the Trump or the kindness, we have a situation.

What the First Amendment Defense Act does, effectively, is allow businesses (and lobbying groups, as we’ve seen) to discriminate against gay people. You know the words: “Marriage is or should be recognized as the union of one man and one woman,” “sexual relations are properly reserved to such a marriage.” Oh, fuck off.

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Wanzie’s Living Nativity Christmas Spectacular 2015

By : Billy Manes
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Michael Wanzie’s Orange Blossom Trail ‘Living Nativity’ Christmas Spectacular rides again! And has a baby.

Though there will be no more chances to relive the unlivable, to partake in the holy birth of the baby Jesus, like, for real, we did witness the immaculate conception last night, and OH MY GOD. Here are some pictures we snapped of the incredible cast (Doug Ba’aser, Blue Star, Wanzie and more), because your holidays need to be more fucked up than they already are!

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