True love could be in the last place you’d think to search

Journalism can take on many forms. As the fourth branch of government, political reporters keep a watchful eye on elected officials. Some journalists cover crime, while others investigate and expose corruption; all of this done to find “the truth.”

My latest assignment? To locate the highly fragile, extremely elusive and most precious essence of life itself: Love. And I had to find it on deadline for a love-themed issue, naturally.

Spoiler Alert—I didn’t find it—yet.

Finding a partner has long been a goal, but never has it been mandated. But here was a possibility—and it certainly wasn’t the first time—that I might have to incorporate undercover work for the good of getting the story.

Frankly, it shouldn’t be that difficult—even my mom thinks I’m a catch. There have been guys I’ve mistakenly seen as my knight in shining armor, but in most cases they turned out to be tin foil-covered packages of shit, albeit beautifully gift-wrapped.

I’m not ready to abandon the allegedly tried-and-true methods of finding Mr. Right—meeting at a bar, gym, or even online. But at 44, it’s time to explore outside the box if I’m to be struck by, if not force a head-on collision with, Cupid’s arrow. Because what might be seen as desperate measures by some could very well be the romantic story someone else tells when asked how they met their better half.

Advertise, baby
Florida straight guy John Smith—and yes, that’s his real name—created a web site for prospective dates and then rented an I-4 billboard advertising it last year. If you introduce a gal-pal to him who becomes his long-term girlfriend, he’ll pay you $1,000 for the referral.

When I first heard about this it reminded me of my similar decade-old standing offer. But while Smith’s an inventor and entrepreneur and I’m—not— the going rate for my m2m LTR go-between is $500.

Smith, 41, is already experiencing better luck with his lira-for-love search than I have. He’s received an onslaught of media attention, including appearances on both Dr. Phil and an Australian TV morning talk show and has had over 18,000 hits on HelpJohnFindLove.com.

“It wasn’t that long ago that online dating was seen as desperate,” says Smith. “Now it’s the norm.”

He’d grown tired of internet dating sites, so he created his own. The billboard was conceived with “a little bit of creativity, and a whole lot of chutzpah,” qualities that Smith thinks the right woman will find attractive.

“I might be seen as a pioneer,” Smith says. “But you have to have pretty thick skin if you’re putting your mug up on a 55-foot billboard.”

Smith is letting his new-found fame help the community. He’s organized an eBay-based bachelor auction fundraiser for the Mustard Seed, which provides furniture and clothing to families in need. The 10 bachelors available are a diverse lot, and at press time the guy with the most bids was gay personal trainer and bartender Tony Edge.

At 33 years old, 6’ 2” and 220 lbs, with a beefy build, killer smile and genuinely warm personality, Edge is not at a loss for dates. He’s participating in the auction primarily to help a local charity, but he’s also seen a spike in interest in his fitness business.

While never a bachelor-for-bids, per se, I was once a Watermark “Catch,” the paper’s now deceased annual ritual of highlighting local gay singles. While Edge is certainly being philanthropic in his endeavor, my agreement to be a “catch” was solely self-serving, which might help explain why I’ve gone un-caught both then and now. But what if sparks fly on Edge’s charitable rent-a-date?

“You never know,” Edge says. “The universe works in mysterious ways.”

Edge won’t rule out a second date, unless a woman is the highest bidder. “People are drawn into your life for a reason; we all deserve to be happy.”

True that, even if we have to pay for it.

The more the merrier
If I was to find love, perhaps I needed to turn to a real expert, someone who’s had multiple successes with relationships—because he’s involved in multiple relationships. Jacksonville artist and gallery owner Ray Castro gives new definition to non-monogamy. Though his primary relationship is with Devin—a gay tattoo artist—Castro also has committed relationships with a girlfriend, a bisexual couple, a slave, a slave student, and let’s not forget Patty, his best friend and wife of 20 years.

No wonder I can’t meet anyone, not when Castro and other polyamorous folks like him are hoarding all the relationships to themselves. Still, he must be doing something right, and I wanted to find out what it is.

“You have to start a relationship right off with expressing what you want and what you need,” says Castro, 40. He’s a big believer in courtship, saying it’s important to get to know a person before rushing in to a relationship. “You have to teach the other person who you are. Don’t suppress your needs, the truth eventually bubbles up and bites you in the ass.”

Twelve years ago when Castro and Devin began dating, Castro said he’d be “one of the most radical fags to come down the pike” that Devin would ever meet. He also warned Devin that “that passive-aggressive crap doesn’t wash with me.” It probably helped that their relationship was also rooted in the BDSM world, where open, honest communication is a must.

“If I’m going to use a whip on you, there has to be a lot of trust going on,” says Master Cecil of The Woodshed Orlando, a kinky community center dedicated to the practice of social nudism and the expression of the BDSM arts. He’s in the final stages of finishing the club’s new home, a 6,000-square-foot dungeon in South Orlando, and plans on incorporating a weekly gay night on Fridays starting in March. It’s been Master Cecil’s experience that relationships based in BDSM develop very deep, very fast and typically last longer than standard relationships, and it’s because of the “incredible amount” of communication that has to happen.

Oh my stars
Remixing everyone’s advice, I creatively sought some open and honest communication with the Universe, and enlisted the help of tarot card reader Liz Langley. With my Sagittarian luck fully at play, I pulled the card that symbolized what I’d forever been visualizing: the Knight of Swords.

“That card is an omen of true love,” Langley says of the card showing a knight on a white horse. “But it’s positioned here in the past, so this would be about someone you might have been attached to and maybe over-romanticized a bit; someone you might have parted ways with before the reading.”

Falling perfectly into place, I had indeed been dating someone last summer and had broken up with not long before the reading. While I’ve consistently been holding out for a hero, recently I’ve considered the possibility that perhaps I’m intended to be the knight in shining armor for someone else. Langley says that interpretation could also be true, and at this point I’m buying anything she’s willing to sell me.

The rest of the reading was work and creativity oriented. The cards said my identity was very much tied up in my job—and considering I have four of them, that was no shock—but Langley says I need to be more than willing to reinvent myself to improve my prospects. Alas, there should be some work/creative victory in the near future, and it will be the first step in a long string of wins. And once I feel better situated and happy professionally, Langley says I’ll be much more ready to move forward romantically.

So, at least in the short run, I’m destined to be married to my jobs. I guess I better learn to love them.

Kirk Hartlage is an Orlando freelance writer, DJ, group fitness instructor and waiter. To take advantage of his $500 offer, please email Kirk with any and all referrals.