That Digital Connection: More LGBTs finding love online

Frank Clemente is a celebrity in his own right. As the co-founder and director of Event Design at Concept Bait, a national event planning company based in St. Petersburg, he meets a wide variety of men in all walks of life. He’s had his share over the years of “sex hook-up” web sites and bar meanderings, but when he was ready for the real thing, he turned to Match.com.

“I wanted something more, and from someone who wanted something more,” Clemente says. “I was ready for something real and substantial. The fun had its time, and it was time for reality.”

Clemente met Toby, his partner of three years, shortly after registering at Match.com, Chemistry.com and Gay.com, three well-known web sites billed for their love and relationship matching versus sex partnering. He took the time to answer each of the sites’ built in compatibility questions, and says he kept it straightforward and to the point.

“I didn’t want to play around, and I didn’t want to settle,” he says. “I have a lot to offer someone.”

Toby was not his first compatibility match. Clemente says he had several matches offered as suggestions by the web sites, but after a few e-mails back and forth, he knew the men were not right for him. And then Toby reached out to Clemente.

“He didn’t have a profile picture, but he explained his job situation to me and why he didn’t put his photo online, and suggested we e-mail,” Clemente remembers. “Then, if I liked he would e-mail me his photo.”

Those e-mails intrigued Clemente, and once he saw Toby’s photo, that cinched the deal. “When I saw his picture, it was icing on the cake,” he says. 

The two men agreed to meet, and that first date stretched into dinner, then into planning their second date. Clemente credits the initial e-mails between them for sparking a variety of topics in good conversation.

“It was wonderful, we had a great time talking; it was so good we didn’t want it to end!” he says.

Clemente’s story is a familiar one to Patrick Perrine, Founder and CEO of MyPartner.com, a previously exclusively gay national web site with a service tag-line of “Find Your Perfect Partner.” 

In an e-mail interview with Watermark, Perrine points to the compatibility matching questionnaire as an essential component for a successful match.

“As a boutique matchmaking service catering to the gay community, most of our success stories tell us that it’s not about the quantity of guys they can be matched with, but the quality of guys they have met,” Perrine says. “Many of our testimonials express a sincere appreciation for our questionnaire process, a more thought-provoking tool to help them find what they are looking for, and that while we address sexuality as a very important part of compatibility, it’s not the sole component to finding a match.

“What we have done is create an environment for like-minded gay daters to meet, fall in love, and develop a happy and healthy long term relationship. And that appears to be resonating in the success stories.”

This year, MyPartner.com was nominated in 3 of 11 categories at Miami’s iDate Conference, including Best Matchmaker, Best Dating Service, and Most Innovative Company, one of the only exclusively gay and lesbian gay dating services to be nominated. This success has spurred Perrine to launch a lesbian matchmaking component now available at MyPartner.com. And there were many special considerations taken to open the website to women.

“Just as there are many differences between gay daters and lesbian daters, I get asked this question more often than any other, ‘What makes dating between gays and straights so different?’” Perinne says. “When you consider not only the key criteria lesbians use to find a partner, there are vastly different cultural behaviors between gay men and lesbian women. While there are many similarities between partner selection to our heterosexual brothers and sisters, it is the few intricacies that make the search and dating experiences so different.”

Nancy Sher understands the differences Perrine describes. Now age 72, she had her first experience with online dating 12 years ago with a smaller, local lesbian matchmaking service, and eventually she chose to register with Match.com.

“I wasn’t meeting people in public, but through Match.com I met many new friends from many parts of the United States,” Sher says. “We would get together and many became close.”

In addition to new friends, she also met two partners through Match.com. Sher says in both cases the in-depth compatibility matching and profiles helped, but it was really in the subsequent e-mails that she found her real connections.

“You can warm up to each other without having to physically meet,” she says, “and by the time you meet you feel more comfortable than being set up, or on a blind date, and you can carry on a conversation. It’s a prelude as to how the other person is inside. If you’re not comfortable online, you’re certainly not going to be [comfortable] in person.”

Sher says she and her first online match, Peggy, knew after three and a half months that they were falling in love. Peggy moved from the West to live with Sher in St. Petersburg, where they shared two years before Peggy passed away.

Sher decided to begin again, and while searching a few web sites, found Carol at Match.com. It was Carol’s appearance that drove Sher to re-register and begin an online courtship.

“The first thing I looked for was a wholesome image,” Sher recalls and emphasizes that physical attraction is key to developing a relationship. “I never thought appearance was important before, and I did try it from the inside out, but it didn’t cover all the aspects I needed in a substantial relationship.”

Perrine agrees that attraction is a key component in compatibility.

“Even as successful as our matchmaking algorithm has been for our online user and for our private matchmaking clients, it still comes down to chemistry between the matches,” Perrine says. “The difference is, as compared to meeting some throughout the course of the day, is that when you meet you already know you are compatible and that you have a high likelihood for chemistry. When you meet someone at say, a bar or a coffee-shop, there may be the initial physical attraction or chemistry, but you have no indicators about true compatibility or the potential for a dating experience that could ‘have legs.’”

While both Sher and Clemente had success with Match.com, they encourage anyone looking for a love relationship to register at several sites. Clemente says he also registered at eHarmony.com, but says he was immediately “thrown out” as eHarmony.com did not allow same sex matches at that time.

In 2005, a gay user in New Jersey filed a complaint citing the state’s anti-discrimination law. As a result, eHarmony.com launched Compatible Partners, a same sex matching service. However, a disclaimer on the site states that “the matching system was specifically designed using research for married heterosexual couples. The Company has not conducted similar research on same-sex relationships.”

“I would recommend it,” Clemente says of registering at several sits. “It really helped us, and [love/relationship web sites] have a great guarantee. If you are reading between the lines, and you are open to all the possibilities, then be open. Know yourself and don’t settle,” Clemente advises.

It all boils down to truly wanting a deep, meaningful relationship and a will to explore all opportunities, he adds.

“All we need is to really want it and be open,” Clemente says. “There is someone out there for everyone.”

Gay.com
Associated with Here!Media (Out, The Advocate) and based in Los Angeles, billed with millions of users.

Community Guidelines state “It’s Okay to Watch”—for users who don’t want to launch right into e-mails, but prefer to visit chat rooms and just listen for a while.

The site offers both free and premium memberships. Premium memberships include add-ons like more photos, unlimited e-mail, a one-year subscription to Out and enhanced group chat access.  

Choices are Men Seeking Men, Women Seeking Women, MTF and FTM.

eHarmony.com
After a lawsuit, the popular matchmaking site created Compatible Partners, available through the eHarmony.com site. A disclaimer states that the new site is not specifically designed for same sex couples. There is an initial one-time charge with possibility of recurring charges.

Chemistry.com
Chemistry.com is owned by Match.com and has categories devoted to Men Seeking Men and Women Seeking Women. There is an initial one-time charge with membership and a possibility of recurring charges.

Match.com
Just as with its sister site Chemistry.com, Match.com features a section for Men Seeking Men and Women Seeking Women. An initial one-time charge with membership includes a possibility of recurring charges.

MyPartner.com
The site offers both free and premium memberships. Premium memberships can span from one month to 12 months and include profile customization, invitations to mixers and a double-your-money guarantee.