The Truth: Impulsive predictions could come true

Dear Truth,
How can you tell if someone’s cheating on you? My boyfriend swears that he hasn’t fooled around with anyone else in the five years we’ve been together, but I don’t believe him. It seems like every time we go out, these guys that I’ve never seen before walk up and start talking to him like they’re best buddies. When I ask him how he knows these guys, he says he knows them from before we met or through other people. We do almost everything together, so I can’t imagine how I haven’t met all his friends by now. Am I crazy or do I have cause to be concerned?
—Bothered in Brevard

Dear BIB,
You might be a little tipsy on crazy, if I’m being honest. The fact that these people casually walk up to your partner while he’s standing there with you and engage him makes me think nothing much is going on.
Questions: Does he introduce you to them, and does he identify you as his lover? What’s his mood when all this happens? Is he anxious? Uncomfortable? Does the interaction seem awkward or forced in anyway? If the answer is no—and if it were yes, you would have told me so—I think you’re making far too much out of it, and I must wonder why. Sometimes in relationship, our own insecurities prevent us from truly enjoying the gifts life has given us. I wonder what it is about you that is making you always jump to the worst possible conclusion.

It is important to remember that even though he is your singular love, his life didn’t begin the day you met. If he didn’t have any associations that pre-date five years, I’d wonder what the hell is wrong with him. I can’t say for sure, but it sounds to me like the trouble is between your ears. And remember, this kind of thing can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If he feels like you already think he’s cheating when he’s not, and seem incapable of letting it go, it will begin to push him away—potentially into the arms of another.

There’s no medal for being right about him leaving you when the reason is that you have become an unbearable twit.

Dear Truth,
I am a 30-something woman who came out late in life. I am divorced and I have two beautiful children, ages 6 and 8. I have been dating my girlfriend, Carol, for about nine months, and I really like her. My problem is that I don’t know how to explain my relationship with Carol to my children.

Their father is still in the picture, but he doesn’t know about my interest in women (if he did, I’m sure he would find a way to use it against me). My children, particularly the youngest, have been asking a lot of questions about Carol and why she spends so much time at our house. I’m afraid to say or do anything in front of them that might get back to their father, which severely limits my romantic time with Carol. I know it frustrates Carol to no end and I really want our relationship to work, but I have to protect my kids. What should I do?
—Nervous Mom

Dear NervousMo—
Sticky one for the Truth.
Let me get my gloves…okay, better. I wish I could tell you that the discovery of his ex-wife’s sexuality would provide your ex-husband with no legal sway over your situation, or the custody of your children. But here comes the Truth, baby:  you live in Florida. That said, after nine months, Carol is right to be a bit frustrated. There are a lot of land mines planted around you and you don’t want to step on any.

The most important thing here is that the children suffer no collateral damage. The fact is that you might not be in a place at the moment where you can be in a healthy committed relationship. Sometimes life requires tough decisions. There is this American affliction of thinking that everyone is entitled to “have it all.” Sometimes that is the selfish answer, not the correct one.

I would recommend explaining to Carol that you cannot give yourself completely to her at the moment because you have young children and too many encumbrances to your relationship. If she still wants to maintain the relationship, great. But don’t hold it against her if she doesn’t. Then I’d focus on coming out to your family. As for your ex-husband, a declaration to him isn’t necessarily compulsory, but he will find out eventually and telling him yourself will allow you to control the information flow.

In short, you need to start to dismantle the walls in front of you. Your relationship with Carol might be a victim of poor timing. Be mature enough to let her go if you can’t give her what she deserves.
As for how to describe Carol to your children, given their age, I think “Mommy’s very good friend” is perfectly sufficient.