Is it just me, or does the conversation of “tops vs. bottoms” always come up when talking about gay or lesbian sex?
For clarification, a top is one who gives penetration or stimulation (dominant) and the bottom is one who receives (submissive).
I always thought it was just a gay male thing, but I can’t count the number of times I’ve been asked whether I’m a top or a bottom.
I’ve been asked this question by straight allies, too, although they word it more eloquently by saying, “so are you the boy, or the girl?”
While the question would be a rude one for most, I have a reputation of being an open book at times, so being asked the question never phases me. It usually makes me laugh.
My witty response most often leaves them dumbfounded. “It depends on my mood,” I’ll say. Or, “you think that’s really a thing?”
As a bisexual, very feminine woman, my sexuality has always been fluid. I give, I receive, I take, and I’ve even been known to share. Sometimes I’m the pursuer and sometimes the pursued. So, I’ve never known how to accurately answer that question.
It wasn’t until recently that I realized how much I enjoy being a bottom, mostly because my partner is a stereotypical top.
After being asked this question for the umpteenth time the other day, I thought, “what happens when both parties are tops or both are bottoms? How does that work? Can it work?”
Like any good researcher, I asked Siri to provide some clarification. Siri led me to Wikipedia, which not only defined top vs. bottom, but also the term versatile, meaning someone “who engages in both activities or is open to engaging in either activity.”
“That’s me!” I thought. Then my squirrel brain went off on a tangent and I realized how versatile I am in all aspects of my life: I am bisexual (perhaps even pansexual), I dabble in multiple professions, I’m happy with any ice cream flavor I receive and I am both a morning person and a night person.
After I brought my thoughts back to the topic at hand, I realized that I had yet to answer my question. So I dug a little further.
It turns out that the term versatile is often paired with the term top or bottom to define someone who is open to being flexible in their role, which often occurs when two parties normally hold similar roles and need to bend a little (pun intended).
“That would make me a versatile bottom,” I reasoned, although I have been told on various occasions that I am a controlling bottom.
Since I had already used two top-notch resources, I thought Facebook might provide peer research that would offer added insight.
So, I found a national lesbian woman group page and asked members, “Are you a top or a bottom and how do you feel about being with someone who is the same? Is it possible?”
After sifting through a variety of responses, several of which are a little too graphic to repeat, I realized that my findings seemed valid.
Some lesbians (and bisexuals) responded by saying that they couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who held the same role, as it made things too awkward in the bedroom. But several others had no problem “flexing” when needed.
The tops seemed especially adamant that they preferred to remain tops and found relationships easier with bottoms. I asked my girlfriend if she could ever be with another top and she agreed with the mass majority of tops. “Never! No how, no way!”
Still, a few tops disagreed. “I usually like to give and I’m not a big fan of receiving,” said one woman. “I definitely don’t like to be penetrated with a strap-on. However, I am open to receiving in other ways—orally, with finger penetration, etc. It works for us.”
I asked her how she and her partner find a happy medium without having awkward moments. She continued, “The key is open communication from the start. We were very clear from the beginning about our boundaries. We jumped a few hurdles in the beginning, but now we have a very fulfilling sex life. And when we want to try something new, we talk about it and decide who will take on each role so we are both comfortable.”
She also advised that parties in the relationship open their minds to new experiences. What was avoided in past relationships might be enjoyed in a relationship with better communication, openness and an eagerness to please a partner.
Those who identified openly as bisexual seemed a little more flexible, and more willing to be with others just like them, which didn’t surprise me in the least. And the bottoms? They also seemed a little more versatile than the tops, but several stated, like me, that they would strap it on if and when needed.
Now, aren’t you all grateful that we got to the bottom of things on this subject?
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