Wonderful World of Wanzie: Watermark Style Guide “Gay Correlation”—Wanzie Style

By : Michael Wanzie
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I’ve been happily writing for Watermark for some time now. With the coming of this past New Year, a message went out to all contributing writers—from the desk of the publisher of this fine publication—instructing us that moving forward all Viewpoint submissions were to have a “correlation” to gayness.

In my particular case the point was made that if I’m going to write a rant about tRump, then I need to make a point as to how and why the topic of my column should also be of concern to the gay community. I was admonished— in a totally civil manner— to do so because, in the words of the publisher, “After all, this is a gay publication.”

Regrettably I never registered my gut reaction with [Watermark Publisher] Rick Claggett because I convinced myself that I should bite my tongue and fall in line like a good soldier who is grateful for the work and the platform being provided me by this genuinely nice guy, friend and owner of this paper. I say “regrettably” because Rick is finding out for the first time that have an issue with his New Year’s directive, just now, as he is reading this copy for himself.

Writer to readers (just between us): If I actually thought it to be something of truly significant importance I should of course be taking this up with my employer in person rather than here in his very own publication for all to witness but somehow this seems more fun.

No, really; the truth of the matter is, ever since Rick shared with me his desire that I as a writer be certain to make that ever important “gay connection,” I have had real trouble writing my columns; or at least with writing and submitting them on time. This one is days late.

I never stopped to think about it before. I never sought to purposely make a “gay correlation” in my columns. To me the “gay correlation” was quite simply that I, the writer, was/am gay: that what you, the reader were reading automatically had a gay sensibility to it because it came from my pen and I’m a major “mo” writing from a gay mindset. I didn’t really stop to plan a “correlation” to being gay as a specified objective of the structure of my column. I just wrote whatever came to mind. And now that Rick has totally thrown me this mind fuck, I have trouble and so now THIS is what I was reduced to writing.

NOTE to Watermark Owner/Publisher, Rick Clagget: If you’re going to fire me kindly have the decency to do so privately and not in print.

NOTE to Readers: If you’re reading this then obviously Rick has not yet removed me from the roster of contributing writers.

CORRELATION TO THE GAY COMMUNITY: This is a gay publication. I am a gay writer. The owner/publisher being referenced herein is also gay. The likelihood that most people reading this are gay is fairly high. Most gay people I know enjoy getting high. High on the list of priorities for gay people is personal expression (How I wish I had been there to see the expression on the face of said owner/publisher when he first read this column). Columns were initially erected by Romans and Greeks and we know those two societies were just lousy with homosexuals. The word “homosexual” is a hybrid of the Greek prefix for “homo” meaning “same” and the Latin root “sex” meaning “sex.” Thus the word literally translates to “same sex.” When you throw in the fact that on the Roman side the root “homo” means “human,” one can deduce the word to mean “a human of the same sex.” When you add the letters u-a-l to the end, the word becomes somewhat active in nature meaning “A human who likes to have sex with someone of the same sex.” Se
x is often practiced by gay people who in fact tend to practice it so often we have become particularly sexually proficient same-sex humans. The Human Rights Campaign Fund is an organization founded to improve the lives of those types of people who are most likely to be “correlated” to this column. They also encourage the adoption of gay-inclusive policies and practices in the work place, government and in society in general. General Mills is the maker of many cereals, including the ever popular Cocoa Puffs. In addition to the obvious “correlation” between the name of the chocolaty puffed rice treat harkening back to a time when gay people where often referred to as “puffs,” there is little doubt that the cuckoo bird is the Audubon society’s version of a sissy twink. (OK, ok, so we weren’t referred to as “puffs.” It was “poofs”, but none-the-less that Coca Puffs’ bird is gayer than a Catholic priest at an altar boy sleep away camp.) “Camp” or “campy” as a form of expression is dominated, if not owned, by gays. In fact it would not be unfair to say that gays have elevated “camp” to art. Artistic tendencies have long been linked to gays; first as an affront and unkind sweeping generalization about people like us, but a link which we now proudly embrace almost as a mark of superiority prevalent in our tribes. “Tribes” are what many call the vast and various categories or monikers gay men adopt to separate themselves as to physical type: such as “Bear”, “Twink”, “Otter”, “Wolf”, or as in my case, “Muscle Daddy.” Sometimes the word “Daddy” is preceded by the word “Sugar” but that has less to do with physical attributes and more to do with stupidity. “Stupidity” is a gay person who supports President tRump. There you have my political rant in the form of a Greek inspired column with a “correlation” to the gay community.

The column has ended. Go get a piece.

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