The Wonderful World of Wanzie: WAVEs of My Own

By : Michael Wanzie
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Michael Wanzie

Michael Wanzie

All this recent talk of WAVE Awards has had me thinking. First of all, you can’t really say “WAVE Awards” because the “A” in the word WAVE stands for “Award(s).” So when you say “WAVE Awards,” what you are actually saying is, “Watermark’s Awards For Variety and Excellence Awards.” That’s one “Awards” too many.

To take it one step further if you say “Watermark’s WAVE Awards,” what you’re actually saying is Watermark’s Watermark’s Awards for Variety and Excellence Awards.”

I’m just sayin’.

I have also been thinking about Florida’s theme parks lately for reasons far too cerebral to make sense to anyone who does not spend major portions of their day thinking about theme parks. But nonetheless, I was thinking about the theme park-related award categories that have egregiously been overlooked by the WAVE selection committee and indeed you, the voters at large.

Here are a few of the omitted theme park-related awards categories and their winners, which were voted on by absolutely no one but myself:

Best theme park into which one should sneak liquor:
And the winner is the Magic Kingdom! There is no park in which adults more desperately need a stiff cocktail. Yet it remains the one and only Orlando area top-tier attraction that does not serve alcohol.

So, before you go, dump out the contents of that spring water bottle and replace it with Absolut or Grey Goose, or switch out your Lipton Iced Tea for Captain Morgan. As long as the bottles are plastic and the color of the liquid contained within matches the hue of the substance the label indicates the vessel is meant to hold, you’ll sail right through security, no questions asked, when entering the park.

Best place to purchase in-park mixers to accompany your contraband liquor, which you sneaked into the Magic Kingdom:
And the winner is Aloha Isle—the Dole-sponsored walk-up counter service refreshment establishment situated on the right, just as you cross over the bridge from “the hub” into Adventure Land.

Pineapple Dole Whip or Frozen Minute Maid Lemonade—either way, it’s a good thing. First take a little off the top of your selected mixer, then dilute with “spring water” or “iced tea” to suit your taste.

Park with best odds that you’ll see an exotic creature cause injury to an employee during your visit:
Gator Land seems like the obvious choice, right? Or perhaps Animal Kingdom? But of course neither the fabled reptile attraction on South OBT near Kissimmee or Disney’s “Naht-ah-zoo” (Remember that short lived advertising buzz word?) park are the winner. In fact, I’m not going to even mention the winner of this category in this column because those mammal lovers over at our area marine life park get very defensive about this subject.

So let’s all just agree to not reference SeaWorld here, shall we?

Best theme park in which to find not one Goddamned ride:
And the undisputed winner is The Holy Land Experience! There’s a nativity scene at every turn and both Chik-fil-A and cardboard cut outs of life-sized Jesus abound. But alas, not a single ride is to be found at this thriving theme park that doesn’t pay its property taxes.

And isn’t that a shame, really? Can’t you just imagine the potential for great Bible-based rides and attractions? I know I can. Thus I should like to share a few of my suggestions here as I have it on very good authority that the perennially pink-haired Jan Crouch (owner and pastor of The Holy Land Experience) reads Watermark:

The Rock’n Holy Rollers Coaster

The Enchanted Preachy Room

The Dapper Abrahams

Big Thunder Mountain Railroad To Heaven

Mr. Darwin’s Silly Ride

Baptismal Splash Fountain

John The Baptist’s Laugh Your Head Off Comedy Lab

The Hall Of False Prophets

Pat Robertson’s Meteorites Jamboree

The Many Adventures of Jesus The Jew

Grace Mountain

The Wedding At Canaan—Magical Dinner Show & Wine Tasting

It’s Tough To Be A God

Expedition Arafat


Finding Demons

Jimmy Swaggart’s Tilt-A-Whore

Back To The Rapture


The NRA Presents Charlton Heston’s Shooting Gallery

FANTASMIC—The Story of Creationism

Test Bible Tract

Honey I Shrunk The Chosen People

Impressions de Sodom & Gomorrah

Ted Haggart’s Crystal Meth Palace

When You Get Wings

Meet & Greet the Risen Christ in Die-But-Not-Gone Alley

The Jungle Cruise-ifixtion

It’s A Small Bethlehem

Tammy Faye’s Horror Make Up Show

The Tree of Afterlife

Dumbo The Tithing Elephant

Pirates of Your Income


PASTOR EO—Interactive Hands-On Adventure for Young Boys, presented In 3-D. Don’t ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t File Charges!

And that’s how we roll in The Wonderful World of Wanzie.

And may God bless.

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