The Wonderful World of Wanzie: A sea of expectations

By : Michael Wanzie
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Michael Wanzie

Michael Wanzie

I am pleased as punch to welcome you to The Wonderful World Of Wanzie. In order for you the reader to ascribe any worth to my words appearing in this space about once every four issues, I feel I should share with you mywork history from which I have gleaned my many life lessons and personal philosophies.

Having considered myself an actor for most of my life I can of course offer up an impressive list of restaurants from which I have earned a wage but most notably I hold the distinction of having been the first male “Johnsons’ Girl” (That was the pay code on my checks from Howard Johnson’s “28 Flavors”) in the state of Florida!

I have also beenthe Avon Lady, Tupperware Lady, Friendly Toys Home Party demonstrator, and Pampered Chef representative. Other credits include Muscular Dystrophy Backyard Carnival Ringmaster (9 consecutive summers), Jungle Cruise Skipper, Universal Studios Tour Guide, Radio City Music Hall Tour Guide, Broadway theater usher, “flyer” at Macy’s Herald Square, Sears’ children’s portrait photographer, bingo caller, trivia host, receptive tour operator, and a shepherd in the original “Living Nativity” at Walt Disney World.

I wrote and directed the original “Capone’s Dinner & Show as well as entertainment for The Mouse. I have worked as an Arthur Murray ballroom dance instructor, Executive Director of Orlando’s LGBT Community Center, producer of the very first all-gay cruises to ever sail from Florida ports, Vice President of GayDays.com, Managing Director of The Footlight Theatre, and a two-season stint as a life-sized tap dancing Muppet with the national touring company of Jim Henson’s Sesame Street Live!I am currently embarking on my 16th year of reviewing movies on Real Radio 104.1FM—The Philips Phile—andevery now and again I write and produced a play or musical.

Looking back at that list you might conclude I must not have been very good at executing the duties of any those vast and varied positions; but you would wrong.

No one could ever match the articulate skill and sense drama I evoked when burping a Wonderlier Bowl.

Now, to illustrate the type of topics upon which you may expect me to comment in coming issues,I offer you the following cornucopia of my stances and observations concerning the burning issues of the day:

One of the things I most detest about the politicians of today is their propensity to engage in sweeping generalizations. Also, I strongly believe all right-wing Christian Caucasian male politicians to be pious judgmental self-serving evil bastards.

I believe Vatican insiders murdered Pope John Paul I. I believe O.J. did it. And I staunchly believePresident George W. Bush should be charged with the murder of all four thousand-plus Americans who lost their lives fighting in an unprovoked war, which he waged predicated on a big fat lie!

I am certain that we as a nation of consumers are victims of a vast decades-old fast food industry conspiracy, whereupon in an effort to increase the volume of spuds they could churn out and sell per hour they have slowly and methodically weaned us off fully-cooked French fries by reducing the cooking time of our shoe strings, steak planks, and crinkle cuts exponentially with each passing year until we now happily accept barely blanched pale yellow potato spears in place of their long forgotten predecessors which used to be deep fried to a lovely golden brown.

In my world Farmer’s Markets are a far better resource for fruits and vegetables than the produce department at Publix, but Publix’ subs are far superior to those sold at Subway. And there is no excuse for Winn-Dixie.

In my world people residing on the coast of Florida who ignorantly elect to build their multi-million dollar homes 10 yards from the shoreline should shut the fuck up when a hurricane destroys their dwelling.

In my world when I wake up in the morning I do so fairly instantly and often while singing. This seems to really annoy those around me who are not “morning people.”

In my world, no circus would be allowed to cage and exploit exotic creatures, and until a law is passed prohibiting them from doing so our tax-funded arena would refuse to host any circus that features (abuses) exotic animals.

I often wonder whether Rosa Parks really meant to start anything, or if she was perhaps, just tired.

It angers me that Disney took four years to complete “New Fantasyland” and its minor attractions while Universal built Diagon Alley and its major attractions in just two.

I subscribe to the belief that without benefit of standard Disney fanfare or press event, Walt’s head will soon be relocated deep within the FROZEN attraction in the Norway Pavilion at Epcot.

Just because I freely admit to having a foot fetish does not mean I automatically like yours.

In my world beginning a legislative session with prayer, whether on a state or federal level, is patently wrong and so obviously ineffectual.

In my world the Grand Canyon was created by a river, not by a deity.

Oddly enough, in my world, man and dinosaur never coexisted, and catastrophic weather events and their attendant waves of mass destruction are not viewed as an outward expression of God’s wrath over anything; it’s just weather.

In my world the Reverend Pat Robertson would have his tongue yanked out with a hot branding iron.

In my world, The Holy Land Experience would be required to pay property taxes just like all other area attractions.

In my world, an atheist, such as myself, can also be an ordained minister, which I am.

God Bless America!

Michael Wanzie is a playwright and theatrical producer residing in Orlando. You may subscribe to his weekly WANZeGRAMperforming arts &cultural e-newsletter by logging onto WANZIE.com.

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