Screened Out: A Long List of Leading Men

Robert Downey Jr. starts it all with a voice-over monologue while Iron Man suits blow up in slow motion. The speech is only mostly serious-because, c’mon, this is Tony Stark-but it’s still a bit of a downer.

Starring Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Ben Kingsley, Guy Pearce, Rachel Hall
Starring Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Ben Kingsley, Guy Pearce, Rachel Hall

Not that IM3 is a bad popcorn flick. Most audiences won’t notice the dour tone or the plot holes when big things blow up so vividly.

Downey’s brilliant but unstable Stark spent the last film-The Avengers-saving the world from gods and aliens. Now, understandably, he’s prone to panic attacks and midnight tinkering on metal suits. It’s a far cry from his playboy days years ago, mistreating scientist Hall and leaving nerdy Pearce freezing, waiting for an unrequited meeting.

In retaliation, Hall and Pearce have created super-humans, walking furnaces that can heal themselves. They are selling their secrets to an Arab terrorist (Kingsley).

IM3
is supposed to be about how we make our own enemies, which sounds a lot like another, better superhero film, The Dark Knight Rises. Director Shane Black (who helmed Kiss Kiss Bang Bang) does an admirable job bringing this stuff from storyboard to film. (Because, honestly, no one wrote a script; they drew pictures for the whole shebang, then went directly to the special effects people.)

It’s big, loud, and distracting, and the acting is solid. However, Stark seems to have lost his drive and his charm, not to mention his new superhero friends.


Starring Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson, Anthony Mackie, Tony Shalhoub, Ed Harris
Starring Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson, Anthony Mackie, Tony Shalhoub, Ed Harris

Director Michael Bay is apparently making fun of himself here, which makes this film a parody of a travesty. It’s amazing that it works at all, if only barely.

Pain & Gain
is an ultraviolent, idiotic retelling of three, Stooge-y steroid addicts who went on a 90s crime spree in Miami. Wahlberg convinces Johnson and Mackie to help him kidnap rich client Shalhoub and force him to sign over his money. They succeed, only to fail. Shalhoub will stop at nothing to get his revenge, while private detective Harris tries to sort the whole thing out.

Everyone wants something here. Wahlberg wants the entitled life he feels he deserves. Johnson wants help with his steroid-induced sexual problem. Paul wants his crimes to be okay with Jesus.

Bay, though, wants more. He wants respect for giving audiences what he believes they crave in serious but dumb films like Armageddon and Transformers. We’re supposed to laugh at these buffoons-at their sense of aggrandizement, their sexual inadequacies, their wobbly Christianity. We’re supposed to cheer the ridiculous special effects and revel in sickening violence. It’s all well made and about as unsubtle as a sledgehammer to the forehead.

That’s why it’s so easy to feel a little insulted. The rich lifestyle, the broad comedy, and the detailed violence are all there to tell us it’s our fault for buying tickets, and not Bay’s that he’s always so excessive and insensitive.


Starring Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman, Melissa Leo
Starring Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman, Melissa Leo

As far as mind-bending, dystopian sci-fi flicks go, Oblivion rates snugly in the middle. The visuals are absolutely beautiful, and the score-by alternative band M83-is cool. However, characters are secondary to special effects.

Bah, maybe I’m being too picky, because Oblivion is certainly eye-popping, loud, and mildly interesting.
Cruise is a technician who monitors post-Apocalypse Earth after a war with an alien race has mostly destroyed the planet. In many ways, Cruise is like Wall-E, except somewhat human; our multimillionaire actor’s job is to fix automated drones and keep fusion generators running. (Oh, and he’s obviously also brilliant at reconnaissance and hand-to-hand combat.) Those generators are sucking the oceans dry to make fuel for humans to travel to one of Saturn’s moons.

Of course, there’s dirty work afoot-the sort of stuff that reminds us of 2001, The Matrix and I am Legend, etc. In that way, Oblivion is a stunning “greatest hits” of other sci-fi flicks.

However, remember in Independence Day where we conquered a superior alien race with a laptop? Also, remember in the last two Matrix films, wondering why the system didn’t just shut down and reboot itself? Oblivion-directed by Joseph Kosinski (Tron: Legacy)-has those sorts of plot holes.

Perhaps, if amazing special effects can short-circuit your brain’s need for character development and common sense, you’ll enjoy Oblivion.

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