An inspiration for the transgender communityâ┚¬Â¦ and everyone else

An inspiration for the transgender communityâ┚¬Â¦ and everyone else

The woman sitting across from me at Dexter's in Thornton Park has prettier nails and more feminine footwear than I do. It's hard for me to believe she once used to compete with her brothers to see who could grow the best beard.

â┚¬Å”Did you ever win?â┚¬Â I ask.

â┚¬Å”Yes, I did,â┚¬Â she says.

The woman, a model of the put-together feminine business executive, tells the story with the satisfaction of someone at peace with the past and the present. It dates back to when she was Greg Pingston, homecoming king, high school football star, long-time husband and a father of two; the poster boy for the successful American male. Then, after years of quiet desperation and exacting preparation, Greg decided it was time to make a major change. In 2007 he underwent the sex reassignment surgery that would allow him to be the person he had become, and perhaps always was: Gina Duncan.

CreatingANewNormal1Wells Fargo, the company Duncan worked for, stepped up to help both she and her colleagues handle the transition as smoothly as possible. She recently retired from a distinguished career with the firm and is now applying her considerable energy to her new role as president the Metropolitan Business Association of Orlando, the area's LGBT Chamber of Commerce and sponsor of Come Out With Pride.

Duncan is also a source of advice and inspiration for others who are charting the often-baffling terrain of Gender Identity Disorder and gender transition. You can, she wants them to know, become the person you always wanted to see in the mirror. And you can be happy.

Cross Dress-Up
The first time young Greg put on a dress it wasn't his idea. He was seven years old and hanging out with his sisters at the house of a neighboring family that included seven girls. Greg was waiting for their brother.  

â┚¬Å”The girls decided they were going to play dress-up and I was going to join them,â┚¬Â Duncan remembers. â┚¬Å”For the first time I put on a little sheath dress, and I remember that to this day. I even remember the weather.â┚¬Â

Duncan eventually found that cross-dressing lead to â┚¬Å”this feeling of relief. I could breathe.â┚¬Â

That feeling continued through elementary school, high school and college.

â┚¬Å”To a small degree, it would almost be like I would need a hit,â┚¬Â Duncan says. â┚¬Å”A period of time would pass and then I would get this horrible urge that I needed to do this, so I would steal my mom's clothes. The older I got, the more I needed it.â┚¬Â

Greg didn't really understand those feelings in his otherwise well-adjusted youth as part of an influential Merritt Island family. He also didn't really understand those feelings when he married in 1980. In those years there was little information on Gender Identity Disorder; a conflict between the gender a person is born and the gender with which they identify.

Greg just felt like he wasn't who he was.

â┚¬Å”I felt like I wasn't in the momentâ┚¬Â¦ ever,â┚¬Â Duncan says. â┚¬Å”I wasn't connected. I never felt that I was really there.â┚¬Â

The literal moment of truth came when Greg's wife discovered some lingerieâ┚¬â€Greg's lingerieâ┚¬â€in their closet and thought she had found evidence of an affair. She called him at work and Greg spent the long drive home deciding whether to pretend he was having an affair or admit that he was cross-dressing.
Either way, another woman was about to be revealed.

Know and Tell
Greg decided to tell his wife the truth. Both have a similar, business-like perspective, and they handled the revalation the same way.

â┚¬Å”We did approach it almost like a managerial challenge,â┚¬Â Duncan says. â┚¬Å”We saw the issues and looked at our options.â┚¬Â

But in time his ex concluded that the situation was too different from what she'd signed up for. Eventually, the marriage ended.

When Greg's mother learned her son's secret she decided to research GID. As a result, she was prepared for things to escalate and wasn't surprised when the couple announced their separation.

One of the books she read was She’s Not There, the story of author Jennifer Finney Boylan's transition from male to female. Greg's mother, who is â┚¬Å”very intuitive and my best friend,â┚¬Â took the extraordinary step of driving to see all of his siblings to insist they read Boylan's book to understand what Greg was going through.

Greg's father was in the initial stages of Alzheimer's when he was given the news, but he became very clear.

â┚¬Å”He told me, â┚¬ËœSon, you do what you need to do to be happy in this life,'â┚¬Â Duncan recalls. â┚¬Å”Dad was a football star, marine drill instructorâ┚¬Â¦ a man's man â┚¬Â¦.James Bond. It blew everyone away.â┚¬Â

But as Greg slowly began confiding in more people, acceptance was not universal.

â┚¬Å”There's a lot of people you thought would be by your side through the whole thing, and they disappear from your life,â┚¬Â Duncan says. â┚¬Å”Other people totally embrace it and respect you for who you are.â┚¬Â

You never know until you tell.

No Turning Back
There was one particular moment that prompted Duncan to finally make the change. Her childrenâ┚¬â€now 29 and 27 and still close with their dadâ┚¬â€had graduated from high school. One was living away from home.

CreatingANewNormal2â┚¬Å”More and more I would leave for a couple of days,â┚¬Â she says. â┚¬Å”I would slip away so that I could be female.â┚¬Â
After attending a weekend-long meeting of Tri-Ess, an international cross-dresser's support group, the thought of returning home on Sunday was overwhelming.

â┚¬Å”I felt like I couldn't do this any longer. I went out in public and everything was normal and it felt so good to experience that for even just 48 hours,â┚¬Â she says. â┚¬Å”I was hooked. I knew I could do it. That's when everything went into motion.â┚¬Â

We all know what it's like to feel uncomfortable in somethingâ┚¬â€a job, a relationship, a life role we're not meant to play. When we're not living authentically, pressure builds and we seek ways to changeâ┚¬â€or at least cope.

But when you don't feel comfortable in your gender, the pressure is intense and the change profound. It takes time, moneyâ┚¬â€and real courage. In addition to painful genital and facial reconstructive surgery, there is the risk of losing family, friends, social connections, employment and worse.

Based on a survey of more than 7000 transgender people in the United States by the National Center for Transgender Equality and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, Clara Moskowitz of LiveScience.com  reports that 41% have attempted suicide (25% more than the general population), 19% have been refused medical care because of their â┚¬Å”non-conforming gender status,â┚¬Â and 2% have been assaultedâ┚¬Â¦ in a doctor's office!

The Process
Nobody would go through such trauma on a whim. Kathleen Farrell, Ph.D., a gender therapist in Tampa, says â┚¬Å”it's very rareâ┚¬Â for a patient who has had surgery to experience any kind of regret.

Not surprising since by the time surgery is on the table, so to speak, the patient has committed to the end result. According to Dr. Farrell, if they fit the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders criteria (there are proposed changes to the DSM criteria pending), and if their feelings are consistent over time, they have likely made the decision already.

In 25 years of practice Dr. Farrell has seen about 3500 patients, 20% of whom have had surgical intervention (that makes about 700). She reports that only two have ever expressed any regret.

The process usually begins with psychotherapy, and then hormone therapy when recommended. But Dr. Farrell says some patients start their own regime without consultation thanks to the availability of hormones on the internet. She recommends that these patients be monitored by a physician as soon as possible.

Indeed, Duncan reports that the change in hormones was one of the most difficult and striking parts of the transition.

After hormone therapy, the prescription is for patience.

â┚¬Å”Most doctors follow guidelines called the Standards of Care that require people to live and present as their preferred gender for months before receiving any physical intervention,â┚¬Â Moskowitz writes.

With the patient's feelings sorted out, surgery can be scheduled. But this step presents additional challenges.

â┚¬Å”Family, wives, children, parents and employment become important considerations,â┚¬Â Dr. Farrell says. â┚¬Å”What's going to happen if they transition on the job?â┚¬Â

Many are forced to change jobs, but Duncan was fortunate in that respect. Wells Fargo proved an excellent environment for an employee in transition. The San Francisco-based company is consistently listed on the Human Rights Campaign's Corporate Equality Index as one of the Best Places to Work in terms of LGBT equality.

At the time of her transition, Duncan was a highly valued manager with 200 people from 48 branches reporting to her. She says that from the day she shared her intentions with her boss, Wells Fargo supported her. Insurance paid for genital reconstructive and breast augmentation surgeries. They connected her with a therapist that called her daily. And importantly, they educated Duncan's staff. In the highly competitive world of corporate finance, there were only a few bumps.

â┚¬Å”Other companies used the situation as a recruitment tool. They would call our best producers and say, â┚¬ËœDo you really want to work for a freak?'â┚¬Â Duncan says. â┚¬Å”We lost three people out of two hundred.â┚¬Â

Some builders also expressed misgivings about working with Duncan, so she stepped back from regional to branch management. A dozen people requested a transfer to Duncan's branch to show their support. They became part of her team and were with her until she retired.

How Not to Kill Yourself
Duncan has advice for those following in her high-heeled footsteps. She calls it â┚¬Å”Transgender 101,â┚¬Â or â┚¬Å”How to Avoid Killing Yourself While Transitioning.â┚¬Â

â┚¬Å”Before you transition you're accepted by society as what you are, but internally you're not happy. You don't feel comfortable looking at yourself in the mirror,â┚¬Â Duncan says. â┚¬Å”After you transition you want to be able to go into a restaurant without people staring at you. If you look like a guy in a dress, you don't pass. Fortunately I don't get that. So that's number one.â┚¬Â

Just as important are family and friends, Duncan says. Their support is crucial as you re-integrate into society and seek to function normally in the world.

Finances are also critical. In support groups, Duncan discovered that many people have lost their jobs while transitioning and are now â┚¬Å”destitute.â┚¬Â She says a plan for ensuring material stability is crucial.

Finally, Duncan says to adopt a business-like approach and create a strategy for success. In a process that was â┚¬Å”100% Gina,â┚¬Â Duncan went about her transition just as she had trained for football and climbed the career ladder.

â┚¬Å”Obviously, the more passable you end up the happier you're going to be,â┚¬Â she says. â┚¬Å”I set goals for myself to get better at [being a woman]. I would plan my week so that by the end I had made progress with electrolysis, or improved my eating, or learned how to walk in a new pair of shoes. I wanted to be the best that I could be, and I tracked it every day.â┚¬Â

Duncan believes this determination is an important reason she never experienced the depression that others report after invasive surgery. According to Dr. Farrell, it can take three to six months for patients to return to normal after genital surgeryâ┚¬Â¦ â┚¬Å”whatever normal is.â┚¬Â

People who knew her as Greg, a man who would have fit in at Bear Bust, have shared that they miss that person. But Duncan says this has mostly passed. She has maintained strong relationships with her children, friends and business and community associates.

CreatingANewNormalQuotePeople who did not know her, however, accept her so completely as female that she's come up against an intriguing and illuminating problem: sexism. Greg never experienced the patronizing â┚¬Å”It's ok, little lady, we'll handle it.â┚¬Â But now it's whole new ballgame, so to speak. Duncan has been treated dismissively as a woman, and is acutely aware of the discrimination.

None of the bumps in the road have changed her mind.

â┚¬Å”People ask me, â┚¬Å”If you had to do it all over again, knowing what you would give up, would you do it?â┚¬Â Duncan says. â┚¬Å”I say â┚¬ËœYesâ┚¬Â¦ because otherwise I wouldn't still be alive.â┚¬Â

But she acknowledges there have been sacrifices.

â┚¬Å”I was a pretty good human being before,â┚¬Â Duncan says. â┚¬Å”I think I'm a better human being on the other side of this. I had a lot of friends and I did well and things were good. My kids loved me and my wife loved me and my family loved me. But I seem to be better now. So there have been a lot of sacrifices to get here, but overall I'm happier.â┚¬Â

Being a woman comes with its own set of advantages and disadvantages. Duncan shares that she preferred shaving her face to her legs, and that the pressure to maintain a certain body image is â┚¬Å”bad.â┚¬Â But the clothes are way better.  

â┚¬Å”It's more funâ┚¬Â¦ more colorful and comfortable,â┚¬Â she laughs. â┚¬Å”Bare legs on a cold day is a wonderful thing.â┚¬Â

And of course, there are the shoes.

â┚¬Å”My office used to look out on this hallway and I'd sit there watching all the women walk by in their sandals and I'd resent them,â┚¬Â Duncan says. â┚¬Å”I was so envious of all the women in their open-toed shoes! It's just a little thing, but what drove me to do this more than anything was that I would no longer have to wear closed-toed shoes in the summer!â┚¬Â

Is she teasing? I sneak a look at her footwear. Smart, sensible sandals with a short, stacked heel andâ┚¬Â¦visible toes.

Now all of her can breathe.

More in News

See More