Lisa Lampanelli celebrates her wedding by rubbing it in our faces

Lisa Lampanelli celebrates her wedding by rubbing it in our faces

Now that she’s found the guy to put a ring on it, Lisa Lampanelli is doing anything but settling down. Married less than a month, she’s unlike your average newlywed who abandons his or her reckless and wicked ways once the vows have been exchanged. In Lampanelli’s case, marriage has quite possibly made Comedy’s Loveable Queen of Mean meaner.

LLampinelli_711899318.jpgCase in point: to celebrate her Oct. 2 nuptials to Jimmy Cannizzaro—whom she lovingly refers to as “Jimmy Big Balls”—she called Watermark so that we, too, could share in her joy, or something like that.

“I wanted to do something you homos can’t do legally, so, you know, I figure why not put it in your face, bitches,” said Lampenelli. “You guys are getting a little uppity with your adopted Asians and all your fine clothes, your Marc Jacobs bags and things, so just shove it. We can get married and you can’t!”

Despite the slam, Lampanelli—who comes to Melbourne’s King Center for the Performing Arts on Nov. 5—knew we’d still want to hear details of her wedding. She also prepped us for her possible new career and proved why we won’t be seeing her on any daytime chat show anytime soon.

So Lisa, tell us a bit about your wedding.
It was fantastic. It was very traditional, but not boring and stuffy. It did not—as many people thought—turn in to some kind of roast, but it was very beautiful. It was in Tiffany blue, because you know what? That’s the color of rich people. Although, a few years ago, when Puerto Ricans started shopping at the silver department at Tiffany’s, I was off-put greatly. However, I forgave them and allowed it to be my color.

Did you use a gay wedding planner?
No, because—get this—my assistant got all offended that I wanted to get a wedding planner and she said, “I thought that would be my job.” So I decided to give her a trial run. Of course, I ended up being such a control freak that I just wanted to do everything myself. I started reading all these wedding magazines; there’s a few hoity-toity ones—they recount all these weddings at the Beverly Hills Hotel and all that stuff. Like an idiot I get sucked in and start writing down ideas from all these rich brides. It isn’t a problem if you steal three ideas, but I had a year and a half to read every magazine that came out, so I had a list of 200 ideas. It was insane but it was so much fun that I didn’t care. The end result was friggin’ fantastic.

So what were the top ideas that you stole?
I stole the idea of having a desert bar in addition to the wedding cake. But everything had to be Tiffany blue. So, I like chocolate, but you can’t have chocolate on there just like I can’t have chocolate men in my life anymore. So anything that didn’t go with the color scheme was out!

I stole the idea of having individual cookies and milk for everybody. And I had little passed hors d’oeuvres, like little grilled cheese sandwiches and shots of tomato soup. Very precious, everything was miniature. Since I had to downsize from the black penis to the regular penis, I had to downsize from big dishes to little dishes too. It was all a reflection of my life.

The fact that you went with the color blue—and I’m thinking of your husband here—was that a way of symbolizing blue balls, and as something he should be prepared for?
Definitely. I’m a celebrity, as you know, and I really don’t need to have sex very often now because I’m going through menopause. So in tribute to his blue testicles, that was the theme that was encroached upon the ceremony. So, see that? I’m like an expert wedding planner, and I don’t even have to do comedy anymore.

So, for the wedding, did you pay special attention to the music?
Well, I am a control freak. First off, we had to have a band, because that’s classy. I went through Jimmy Big Balls’ iPad, iPhone—what’s that thing you play music on? iPod?

Yeah!
iPad? That sounds like something you get for your period and your “woman’s time.” 
I made a list for the band so we could control them. And we made them sign something saying they wouldn’t vary from the songs. Then we made of list of break songs because—do you believe it—a band needs a break! I’m mean, Whaaaat? Do you see me take a break doing comedy? Uh, no. But, whatever. Fucking artistes.

LLampinelliQuote_544885852.jpgHow difficult is this for you to give up one of your true, true loves, which are black men?
That was easy. You have to have your priorities straight. I wanted a guy who didn’t have any kids, so—ta da! Where you gonna find a colored like that? You’re not.

In your book, Chocolate Please, you mention a guy who once gave you flowers with multi-colored ribbons that you still have…
Not anymore! When I was writing the book I didn’t have an engaged meant-to-be betrothed. So now everything is in the garbage. Everything! All my past. When he moved in—oh my God, dude—it was more like a smuggling in. I smuggled him out of his apartment like a Haitian baby. He had nothing with him. I let him keep his clothes and his four Beatles albums and that’s it! I figured if he could throw out everything so could I.

Do you think marriage has tamed you…at all?
I think the problem is that now I feel I can take even more liberties with the audience. The minute I first started dating Jimmy I had a built-in bodyguard—now I have someone with a vested interest in my well-being and my money. So he can beat the crap out of you if you get mad at me. It’s fantastic to have a built-in threat like that.

In your book you say that Scientology makes people gay.
Yes it does. It turns you into a gay. That’s what happened to Tom Cruise, and John Travolta, and Kirstie Alley. Oh, but it did not do it to David Gest. Did you know David Gest is straight?

What happened was I did a joke about him in an interview saying my wedding was going to be like Liza’s except I wasn’t going to marry a gay guy. And I got a letter from his lawyer saying that they better not print that because he’s straight! So please inform every one of your readers that David Gest is not gay! Because I have the letter to prove it.

Some of your female comic counterparts have been on The View…
Oh, those cunts. I hate them so much. How can anyone watch it?

Well, clearly you won’t be on that show anytime soon. How about that new show, The Talk, on CBS, or as I like to call it, The Other View?
Call it The Rear View, because it’s only for assholes. There’s an old cunt, Sharon Osborne. There’s a black, Holly Robinson Peete. There’s a Chink, Julie Chink. And there’s somebody else who’s a Whitey.

Well, there’s Sara Gilbert, who’s a lesbian. And Leah Remini…
The Italian, who’s also a Scientologist, by the way, so she’s a dyke. I do not like this show, even though I’ve never seen it, because in real life there’s no way you’re going to be friends with any minorities. There’s no way anyone would throw in to a room a Chink, a Black, a White, and an old person and think they’re going to even be bothered with each other. I personally only believe in white-on-white friendship, and that includes the gays. The gays can be friends with me. So, if that was my show it would be me, the lesbo, and maybe we throw Sharon Osborne in to show people how to not get plastic surgery.

I guess we won’t be seeing you on there anytime soon either.
Oh, and please do print also that Leah Remini is not really a lesbian—that was just a joke—so I don’t have to get a letter from her fucking lawyer.

see+hear
Who: Lisa Lampanelli
When: Friday, Nov. 5, 8 p.m.
Where: King Center for the Performing Arts, Melbourne
Tickets: 321-242-2219 or KingCenter.com

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