Many people wouldn’t know Bruce Vilanch if he fell out of the sky and landed on top of them (ouch!), but almost everyone has enjoyed his work. For almost four decades, Vilanch has been the creative genius behind some of the funniest names in the business, including Bette Midler, Cher, Whoopi Goldberg and Robin Williams. He has written jokes—sometimes backstage during the broadcast—for live telecasts of the Academy, Emmy and Tony Awards. He also took a turn as the Center Square for the revival of Hollywood Squares back in the 90’s. To put it succinctly: if you haven’t laughed at something Bruce has written, then you’ve been living under a rock.
Locally, Vilanch has been a past Grand Marshall of Orlando’s Gay Pride Parade, and was a special guest last year at the Tampa International Gay and Lesbian Film Festival.
And now he’s coming back for two 8 p.m. shows at the Parliament House on Friday, Oct. 16 and Sunday, Oct. 18. That same weekend he’ll host some of the festivities at BC3 Weekend bear event, also at the Parliament House.
In this exclusive interview, Vilanch talked about the inspiration for his comedy, Bea Arthur in space, and how he might have to break up Chaz Bono’s happy home.
WATERMARK: From what sources does your ‘Well of Funny’ spring?
BRUCE VILANCH: Oh God, misery and pain! I wish I knew. I think it’s a way of looking at the world that you cultivate from the time you are little. Probably in a lot of cases it’s developed as a defense mechanism because you disarm people that way. I don’t know… I think it’s one of those great mysteries, which is probably best left unsolved.
How did you get your start in show business?
I actually wanted to act. I was a child actor and that was what I really wanted to do. I had a deep voice and I was big and looked older, so I was always auditioning opposite actors twice my age. I didn’t get much work, so I decided to start writing about the business and wound up with a career in journalism. But I never abandoned the acting or the performing. I became known as a writer, and then I was a writer who performed.
What were some of the first things you ever wrote?
I was with the Chicago Tribune and I met Bette Midler and I started writing for her. She was just taking off so I became part of her ‘Star Making Machine’ (laughs). I’ve been working with her for thirty-nine years, which is difficult because she’s only thirty-two.
Of everything that you have written, what are you the most proud of?
Oh, gee. I have written the last twenty Academy Awards shows, and I won two Emmy’s for those. I was nominated for a third this year, but we lost. I’m proud of those, and I’m proud of all the work I’ve done with Bette.
Anything you’re not so proud of?
I am least proud of the shows that I wrote thirty years ago that have now come back to bite me in the ass. They’ve become iconic camp shows, like The Star Wars Holiday Special, The Brady Bunch Variety Hour and The Paul Lynde Halloween Special. Those three in particular; had we known what we were doing at the time we probably would have paid closer attention (laughs). We probably wouldn’t have been so chemically altered.
Since you brought it up, how did you get Bea Arthur to agree to be in The Star Wars Holiday Special?
Bea was a Broadway musical performer, and by the time she came to television she was in two of the biggest shows ever: Fiddler on the Roof and Mame. She was a real musical comedy person and she was itching to sing and dance on television, so when this thing came along she made it a condition of her being on the show that she could do a number. Of course, what she wanted to do was that kind of breathy, serious number and not a comedy number. We said ‘yes’ to get her on the show (laughs). It was exactly as silly as it looked.
Is there any subject that is off-limits for you when it comes to comedy?
Yeah. It’s difficult when people die… that’s always hard. When someone dies you have to give people a little time before you can make jokes about it. Then after a while you can do all the jokes you want, but there’ll be certain people who will never like that.
The only topics that are off limits are the ones that provoke a hostile response… I mean no one wants that.
Who makes you laugh?
I think Eddie Izzard is brilliant. He’s really, really smart, funny, literate and he makes me laugh. Also there’s nothing quite as funny as failed seriousness. That’s the funniest thing of all; when someone is trying very hard to be serious and their fly is open (laughs). Like the Pope giving an address and there’s snot hanging out of his nose.
You live and work in a town that can chew people up and eat them for breakfast. How have you survived so long?
Well, I don’t eat people for breakfast, I suck them for breakfast. So I leave survivors.
You just sort of develop a thick skin I guess, or foreskin, which I never had. It’s either that or you run away and go into hiding like a lot of people do because they just don’t want to be a part of it. It’s like any other high hazard occupation where you develop a skill set that allows you to get through it. You learn to deal with the kind of people that you have to deal with.
Several years ago you took a turn as Edna Turnbladt in the musical version of John Water’s Hairspray on Broadway. What other well-known roles from Broadway would you like to have a shot at?
The Sound of Music! I’ll show you how you solve a problem like Maria. And every single part that Nathan Lane has done (laughs). He’s a friend of mine and I keep saying to him, ‘You’re my ideal version of me.’ Then we laugh because he’s so much thinner.
You were also part of the Celebrity Fit Club a couple of years back, along with Chastity Bono. What do you make of the announcement that she is transitioning?
I lost twenty-one pounds that I have since found. Chaz was my team captain. You know, I’ve been mistaken for her my entire life. Even by her mother, who I’ve worked with for as long as Chaz has been alive actually. So I have my own personal reasons for finding the whole thing funny and kind of amusing. She’s got a great relationship and I think everybody is behind her one hundred percent. This is what she wants and she should absolutely go for it, and when she’s finished I may have to hit on her myself because she’ll look more like me than I do.
You’ve been to the Parliament House before, right?
I have been to the PH. I did one little thing there when I was Grand Marsha Marsha Marsha of Orlando Pride, which I think was in 2003. I made a little appearance onstage outdoors at the Parliament House, but this time I am playing the room in the club so I’ll be indoors and out of the humidity. I’m also going to judge the National Package competition or something. The bears are my peeps, although I have lost a lot of weight so I’m not as bearish as I was. But I think I still qualify.
What will your shows be like?
Laughs. A lot of laughs, and then I’ll strip and tell tales of Hollywood and my dissolute life and my nightmare descent into booze and pills. That’s not true, but I plan on that occurring while I’m in Orlando. You can be a part of that… absolutely.
The last time we spoke you told me that your favorite t-shirt was one that said ‘Pardon me, you’re standing on my penis.’ Is that still the case?
It’s hard to top that. It still is a favorite tee shirt of mine and I wear it whenever I can. I have another one I like that has an airport sign that says, ‘My package should not be unattended.’
